Sorry It's Been a While

Hi everyone. Sorry it's been so long since the last post. After the first week of the first round of chemo, I started feeling better and wanted to take advantage of my good days. So I didn't spend much time on the computer. Nothing noteworthy happened anyway. When I started feeling better I got outside and did some gardening (by that I mean pulling weeds) and just enjoyed being out of bed.

I did my second round of chemo last monday (March 23) and it was a real bitch. I have nothing good to say about it. The new and more powerful anti-nausea medication (Emend) worked ok. I still had a lot of nausea but I managed to get through it without much "barfy" as the kids say. No matter how much I seemed to tell myself it would get better, I still found myself feeling pretty depressed about the whole thing. It's hard to explain what the physical effects of chemo are but basically it feels like my whole entire body hurts, and then of course there's the nausea. This time the neuropathy was much worse and I had to wear the gloves a lot. I think one of the worst things is having to drink warm drinks. Trying to swallow three big pills with warm water when the nausea is bad is just about one of the worst things ever. It's almost impossible so I have to go into a place in my mind where I can make it happen without throwing up. Just thinking of it is nauseating. The nurse calls that anticipatory nausea... Well DUH!!!! Of course! I just call it nausea...

Anyway, I am finally feeling much better today. I am sitting at the table for meals and I can hang out with the family. I had a little comical reprieve from the madness when Steve came home from the kids' kindergarten physical appointment on Thursday and told me how it went. Previously, the nurse led us to believe it was just a "paperwork" appointment so Steve took the kids by himself, which normally would never happen. Steve and I always both attend doctor's appointments for the kids when all three go because it is so hard for one parent to deal with the whole thing, especially when there are immunizations involved. When Steve returned home and I asked him how it went, he just looked at me with raised eyebrows. I knew that couldn't be good. Then he launched into how all three kids had to pee in a cup, have hearing tests, two shots (immunizations), and each had to have their finger pricked TWICE (lead test and sugar test)! Each child watched in horror as the others got their shots and finger pricks. And they screamed the whole time. Finally when it was Jane's turn, she kicked the examination table and then the nurse... By the end of the two-hour appointment, they were starving and they were screaming SO LOUD from all the shots and finger pricks that everyone just stared at the four of them when they left the examination room. The patient in the room next door even cracked open the door to see what those monsters could possibly look like. Steve, of course, earned his Father-of-the-Year award.

Love to you all. I promise to try to post more regularly.

Another Difficult Day

For some reason yesterday I thought I would wake up today and feel miraculously better. And the nausea was fairly under control, but I had such extreme fatigue that I could barely lift my head. The kids had their first swimming lessons today and I really wanted to go watch but I couldn't drag myself out of bed. It was so hard not to be there for such an important day. So while the family was gone, I began daydreaming about all of the things I want to do when I am well. First of all, I can't wait to drink an ice cold glass of milk. I know that's not too far down the road but the neuropathy is definitely a side effect that will last at least a few more days. And I can't wait to drive my car again. Recently before I got sick, I started parking in the parking spots farthest away from the door of whatever store I was at. When we were kids my mom always used to say, "We're lucky we're healthy. We can walk." Interestingly, I began doing that recently and I fully intend to do that again when I am back in action.

While my mind was perusing the possibilities, I decided I would like to try to run a marathon when I am healthy again. I've been talking about it for years and now. And it was always one of the things on my to do list but I always found an excuse to put it off. Maybe because I know it's not going to be the easiest thing to do. But dream big, right? Once my body is cancer free what a better way to celebrate than run a marathon. Maybe the chemo is starting to affect my brain and this is all just crazy talk, I don't know. But what have YOU been putting off????

I hope none of you ever has to do what I am doing. But if you were in my shoes right now, what would be on your to do list and is it important enough to work on it today? Because I would give anything to be where you are right now, healthy and capable of accomplishing my "to do's."

Thank God for All of You

Yesterday was my toughest day yet. I had a lot of problems with nausea and throwing up and didn't realize it was going to be that bad until it was too late to call the doctor. So I spent the entire day in bed. I wasn't even able to get to the computer to check the blog at all. But thankfully, today has been better. With some coaxing from my mom and Steve, I called the nurse first thing this morning and told her about yesterday. "Oh my God!" was her response so I realized I actually had been suffering needlessly. Dr. McNamara called back within an hour and called in a stronger prescription for the nausea. And luckily the new prescription worked. I have eaten a little bit today and I am gaining some strength back.

I read the responses from the last blog entry and I felt nothing but gratitude. I am so grateful that you are all praying for me and pulling for me. I would never admit this to Steve, but there have been a few times when I wondered if this was all worth it. But of course that is when I have been at my absolute weakest. And I can't tell you what it means to read the words of encouragement from you guys. Somehow, I don't feel quite so alone. Somehow, I feel a peace come over me and I know I can do this, if nothing else than for this moment.

Aunt Dene, you are an amazing person and you always know exactly what to say. The same goes for everyone who has posted a comment on any of the blog entries. I thank God everyday for all of you. For anyone who has commented on the blog, or sent me a personal email, or anyone who takes a moment during the day to say a prayer for me, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and I thank you.

I am not going to lie, chemotherapy sucks. And at the moment I am terrified that I have at least 3 - 5 more cycles to do. How can any one human being endure that?! But I know with the encouragement of all of you, I will somehow find a way. My love to you all.

This Will Be a Short One

Hey everyone. This will be a short update as I don't feel well. Steve and I saw Dr. McNamara before the infusion and all was well. No new info and he seemed pleased that I am recovering well from surgery. Then at 8:30 I went to the infusion room for the chemotherapy. The nurse was really cool and went over side effects again. It was good because we found out that I shouldn't be eating any raw fruits or vegetables since they have a tendency to carry bacteria which will be hard to fight when my white blood cells are low. I love my salads so that news was a bummer.

I felt good going in so the first hour or so of my Oxaliplatin infusion was fine but after that my arm started to hurt a lot. It felt like when your foot falls asleep and you feel pins and needles only this was a little more painful. I finished the infusion at 11:45 and we stopped for a bean burrito on the way home. Steve ran into a liquor store to buy me some room temperature water and I ran into my old partner Angel Guerra. It was great to see him and he said, "Geez, Beth, can't you do anything like a normal person?! You're always doing things the hard way!" I had to laugh at that since he was the one who was shot multiple times during the shooting we were in 7 years ago (and he recovered and is doing fine).

When I got home I went straight to bed. I felt dizzy and my arm hurt. I took a nap and when I woke up, Mom and Dad had left (because I will need them back here when Steve goes to work on Saturday) and I had a splitting headache. In general I feel like total crap. I feel nauseated and I've been crying a lot since I got home. I don't know if it's because I am emotional or I feel sick or both.

This isn't my most positive post, I know. And it turned out to be a little longer than the title suggests. If anyone has any good insight or suggestions, I would love to hear it. Thank you, Susan and Michelle for reading the blog. You girls are awesome! Aunt Dene, I love you to the moon. And Cheryl, I got your voicemail but I feel too crappy to call back. But thank you so much for thinking of me today. Love you guys.

Having a Little Anxiety

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Chemotherapy begins and the fear of the unknown has provoked a little anxiety. While I don't believe that the first day will create ALL of the dreaded side effects, I feel a certain uneasiness about the whole thing. I read all of the literature the nurses gave me regarding the medications I will be taking. The IV medication which will be administered tomorrow morning at the "infusion room" is Eloxatin (Oxaliplatin injection). The troubling side effect with that one is neuropathy. Neuropathy is an increased sensitivity to cold. When I was introduced to the chemotheraphy nurses, they gave me a whole kit that included two sets of gloves, a warm fleece scarf, and a fleece blanket! They cautioned me about drinking any cold drinks for a week and putting my hands in cold water or especially in the refridgerator. They advised that it would feel like my skin was burning off...whoa! So I am not really looking forward to that...

Also prescribed is a pill, Xeloda, which I will take twice a day (3 pills per dose). The side effects there are nausea and diarrhea. That sucks. God knows this whole colon cancer thing has been such a pain in the ASS :) (sorry, that was a really bad and obvious pun but I couldn't resist).

Well, I guess I will shower and start my day. I think I am going shopping...

Wish me luck tomorrow and if anyone has any suggestions about anything at all, chemo related or otherwise, I'd love to hear them. Loving you all and wishing you a happy March 1st (already...)!