Hey everybody... Sorry I've been away for awhile. Recovering from the last infusion was so hard I almost can't find the words to describe how hard it was. I now understand how this process really gets to people, dashes their hopes for recovery and sends them into an abyss of pain and fear. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.
The infusion itself was painful. My arm hurt so bad that the nurse urged me to consider a PICC line. I am actually considering it. I guess the poison really irritates the veins and muscles and it hurts like hell. And I actually got sick a couple of times during the infusion which has never happened before. So the anti-nausea meds they put in my IV were either not working or my brain overrode them and told my body to be nauseated anyway, I don't know. But after the infusion I spent a long week in bed feeling terribly nauseated and so fatigued I had a hard time walking to the bathroom. I found myself frequently asking Steve, "Is this my bad day? When will I get better?" Also, this time I noticed that all my muscles, especially my leg muscles were cramping really bad. The neuropathy is still bad even during this good week. The doctor said that neuropathy is permanent. I don't even know what to think about that. But I haven't had anything cold to drink in a very long time.
However, this is my good week. I feel myself getting stronger everyday...and by stronger I mean mentally stronger. Even just a week ago I was having fantasies about things I could say to the doctor so that I wouldn't have to do anymore chemo. I just didn't have the strength to even consider doing another round. But this week things are different. I am happy to be alive and I find myself appreciating everything and everyone so much more. Although I still can't even think about going for round 4, I am in a better place in my head. I hear stories on the news where someone, or a lot of people, have it a lot worse than me and I think to myself, I guess I can do it again. I'm pretty sure that's because you are all praying for me and your prayers are working.
I started reading the new true crime novel, "Columbine" by Dave Cullen. Other than the fact that I find it truly fascinating and therefore, it's a distraction from my negative thoughts, I realize that those poor parents who had children involved in that massacre really had, and still have, it bad. There's a quote from Ernest Hemingway at the beginning of the book:
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.
And to that I say touche.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Having Anxiety Already
It's Friday night which means it's almost Saturday and if it's Saturday then the weekend is almost over...
What's wrong with me?!?!?! I have so much anxiety about Monday. On Monday I do chemo #3. I hate chemotherapy. When I feel like this I almost don't know what to do. Do I eat while I can? If I choose to eat, well I just want to eat a bag of Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies. And that's not good for me. But at the same time, thinking about Monday creates the dreaded "anticipatory nausea" so maybe I just want to barf into a bag of Milanos. I DON'T KNOW!!!
I wonder when this gets better. Today I had to take Janie to the doctor for an ear infection. Nurse Carol asked why I wasn't at the kids' Kindergarten physcials and I told her. I was in bed from chemo #2. She was shocked and saddened and offered her support. Her husband, she said, was diagnosed with stage IV Lymphoma when he was 38. It's been about 10 years and he's fine now. We didn't see our normal pediatrician because she's always booked but after we left the office, Carol told Dr. G (our pediatrician) about my situation. Dr. G called me at home to offer her support. She is a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed a year ago and she endured 8 rounds of chemotherapy. EIGHT ROUNDS!!!! She's still growing her hair back because last time I saw her (about a month ago) she was still wearing her wig.
I don't want to ruin my good days with thoughts of the bad days ahead but it's almost unavoidable. I might as well have an hourglass in front of me at all times counting down the minutes until Monday. I got my hair trimmed yesterday and my hairdresser wanted to know how I've been doing with the chemo. I told her the smell of my shampoo and conditioner nauseates me terribly during the bad week so she helped me find something less fragrant.
I should've titled this post, "Poor Me!" OK, enough complaining. Like I tell the kids, deep breath...
What's wrong with me?!?!?! I have so much anxiety about Monday. On Monday I do chemo #3. I hate chemotherapy. When I feel like this I almost don't know what to do. Do I eat while I can? If I choose to eat, well I just want to eat a bag of Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies. And that's not good for me. But at the same time, thinking about Monday creates the dreaded "anticipatory nausea" so maybe I just want to barf into a bag of Milanos. I DON'T KNOW!!!
I wonder when this gets better. Today I had to take Janie to the doctor for an ear infection. Nurse Carol asked why I wasn't at the kids' Kindergarten physcials and I told her. I was in bed from chemo #2. She was shocked and saddened and offered her support. Her husband, she said, was diagnosed with stage IV Lymphoma when he was 38. It's been about 10 years and he's fine now. We didn't see our normal pediatrician because she's always booked but after we left the office, Carol told Dr. G (our pediatrician) about my situation. Dr. G called me at home to offer her support. She is a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed a year ago and she endured 8 rounds of chemotherapy. EIGHT ROUNDS!!!! She's still growing her hair back because last time I saw her (about a month ago) she was still wearing her wig.
I don't want to ruin my good days with thoughts of the bad days ahead but it's almost unavoidable. I might as well have an hourglass in front of me at all times counting down the minutes until Monday. I got my hair trimmed yesterday and my hairdresser wanted to know how I've been doing with the chemo. I told her the smell of my shampoo and conditioner nauseates me terribly during the bad week so she helped me find something less fragrant.
I should've titled this post, "Poor Me!" OK, enough complaining. Like I tell the kids, deep breath...
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Having a Great Week
Hey everyone! Well, I'm having a great week. And I don't mean that sarcastically. I am actually having a really good week. Considering the last chemo cycle was harder than the first, I seemed to have bounced back really well. I wouldn't dare tell my hubby this, but I even ran on the treadmill a little bit on Sunday. If Steve finds out, he'll start making me do housework again so I'm keeping it on the down low for now. Even though the doctor said that the chemo regimen itself is like a workout, I find that running gives me the mental and emotional edge I need to feel like I am strong...like I can pull myself through all of this. I've spent the last two beautiful, 80 degree days pulling weeds, which I find strangely therapeutic. I love the time to myself because, of course, no one (and by no one I mean none of the kids) wants to help pull weeds. So there are no distractions and I get lost in my thoughts.
Yesterday I took a break from the gardening to watch Oprah. Her guests and audience members were all mothers who were essentially complaining about how hard motherhood is. While I appreciated the humor in it (one lady was so overwhelmed she went 3 weeks without bathing her kids!), I couldn't help but feel like these women were all a bunch of whiners. I hate to get on my pedastal but c'mon! Even in my most overwhelming days when I had three infants and no diapers in the house, I still managed to shower, load them all up in the car, and load, assemble and push gigantic stroller through Target with at least one crying baby. Thank God they never all cried at one time... But I did it because I had to. I had no choice because I couldn't justify taping a maxi pad and a bunch of napkins on their little butts like one of the women on Oprah confessed. Whoa!
My kids will be five in June. And I thank God everyday for those little people. They prepared me for this journey I am on. Just like finding strength through a hard workout on the treadmill, I have found strength and purpose in being a mom. I like the fact that their little four year-old minds can stump me when they ask me what the Easter Bunny looks like. By the way, exactly what does the Easter Bunny look like and where does he live???? Any ideas? I love you guys and thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. They are working.
Yesterday I took a break from the gardening to watch Oprah. Her guests and audience members were all mothers who were essentially complaining about how hard motherhood is. While I appreciated the humor in it (one lady was so overwhelmed she went 3 weeks without bathing her kids!), I couldn't help but feel like these women were all a bunch of whiners. I hate to get on my pedastal but c'mon! Even in my most overwhelming days when I had three infants and no diapers in the house, I still managed to shower, load them all up in the car, and load, assemble and push gigantic stroller through Target with at least one crying baby. Thank God they never all cried at one time... But I did it because I had to. I had no choice because I couldn't justify taping a maxi pad and a bunch of napkins on their little butts like one of the women on Oprah confessed. Whoa!
My kids will be five in June. And I thank God everyday for those little people. They prepared me for this journey I am on. Just like finding strength through a hard workout on the treadmill, I have found strength and purpose in being a mom. I like the fact that their little four year-old minds can stump me when they ask me what the Easter Bunny looks like. By the way, exactly what does the Easter Bunny look like and where does he live???? Any ideas? I love you guys and thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. They are working.
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