Hey everybody... Sorry I've been away for awhile. Recovering from the last infusion was so hard I almost can't find the words to describe how hard it was. I now understand how this process really gets to people, dashes their hopes for recovery and sends them into an abyss of pain and fear. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.
The infusion itself was painful. My arm hurt so bad that the nurse urged me to consider a PICC line. I am actually considering it. I guess the poison really irritates the veins and muscles and it hurts like hell. And I actually got sick a couple of times during the infusion which has never happened before. So the anti-nausea meds they put in my IV were either not working or my brain overrode them and told my body to be nauseated anyway, I don't know. But after the infusion I spent a long week in bed feeling terribly nauseated and so fatigued I had a hard time walking to the bathroom. I found myself frequently asking Steve, "Is this my bad day? When will I get better?" Also, this time I noticed that all my muscles, especially my leg muscles were cramping really bad. The neuropathy is still bad even during this good week. The doctor said that neuropathy is permanent. I don't even know what to think about that. But I haven't had anything cold to drink in a very long time.
However, this is my good week. I feel myself getting stronger everyday...and by stronger I mean mentally stronger. Even just a week ago I was having fantasies about things I could say to the doctor so that I wouldn't have to do anymore chemo. I just didn't have the strength to even consider doing another round. But this week things are different. I am happy to be alive and I find myself appreciating everything and everyone so much more. Although I still can't even think about going for round 4, I am in a better place in my head. I hear stories on the news where someone, or a lot of people, have it a lot worse than me and I think to myself, I guess I can do it again. I'm pretty sure that's because you are all praying for me and your prayers are working.
I started reading the new true crime novel, "Columbine" by Dave Cullen. Other than the fact that I find it truly fascinating and therefore, it's a distraction from my negative thoughts, I realize that those poor parents who had children involved in that massacre really had, and still have, it bad. There's a quote from Ernest Hemingway at the beginning of the book:
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.
And to that I say touche.
4 comments:
Hi Beth,
Thanks for writing to all of us and keeping us up to date on your progress. All I can say is "Strength" must be your middle name. I just can't believe how you pick yourself up, look at the bright side, and focus on your appreciation of God, your beautiful family, and friends. Thanks for being such an inspiration to us; thanks for not giving up! We are counting on you and we love you, Aunties Barbara and Nancy
Hi Beth,
It was so good to see your words again. It sounds like you have had a rough go of it this time. Know that we keep you very close in prayer and your name appears weekly on the prayer list in our church bulletin. People frequently ask how you are doing, and let us know that they continue to pray for you. As I was thinking about you the last few days, this verse came to mind. Thought it might help on the "not so good" days. "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 Hopefully, knowing that God holds you in the palm of his hand will be a comfort on those days. We love you and yours.
Ruth Wills
Hi Beth,
I don't even know what to say except that you are awesome. You are such and inspiration to me. Your strength amazes me. Keep fighting. We love you.
Michelle
Hi Beth,
Your strength & determination are truly amazing. I can't imagine what your are going through, but I am praying for you every step of the way. As I was reading your post, I remembered the homily from church this morning. It was based on Psalm 23, The Lord is my shepherd, one we all know, but I guess he made me think of it in a new way, given everything that you're going through. He said it's not a promise that nothing bad will ever happen, but that God's hand in everything & He's always there, even at those times when He feels farthest away, giving us the strength to move forward. I just came across another verse that made me think of you & I will close at that. "For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow...for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." (James 1:3-4). Sounds like you're there. My love 7 thoughts are with you always. Love, Susan
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