I feel so manic today. I'm sitting at the computer and Steve is asleep and I'm listening to the kids getting chips out of the pantry at 9:45 in the morning. I know I should be monitoring them better but I'm trying to decide what to do today. And I have about 20 ideas of what I want to do, including buying tile to tile my coffee table, go shopping for a birthday gift for the neighbor, updating the blog, drafting a letter that I've been meaning to write, etc... There's so much to do and so little time and I am just overwhelming myself with the possibilities. And by so little time I mean before I have to do chemo #4 on Tuesday. After that I will be in bed for a week, barely able to lift my head and I feel like I have to fit in a week's worth of errands and stuff I want to do.
I probably should go outside and pull weeds to clear my head. But these few days before chemo create absolute chaos in my mind and all I can do is think. It's almost impossible to quiet my mind. As I've been sitting here at the computer I had a memory of being in the hospital and Dr. Dave came to talk to me after the colon cancer diagnosis. I will never forget what he told me, "If you want to eat an ice cream you should eat an ice cream. And when you go home you should get your affairs in order." He told me to get my affairs in order!!! What the F@$*???!!! I think about that a lot because I am determined NOT to get my affairs in order. I am only 38 years old for goodness sake. And so when I am feeling manic and I have a million ideas about what to do today, getting my affairs in order is never one of them.
6 comments:
Dearest Beth,
Sudden change as you were snapped into means that nothing is what it was and the resulting feeling of internal chaos is so hard to tolerate. All that made sense before doesn't now and what you were able to do then, may not be tolerable now. The kids eating chips on Sunday morning, love it, cherish the moment. No one expects from you what you expect from you. Can it all and take a walk, look at the sky, trees, nature and let the beauty fill your soul.
When you are vulnerable people say the weirdest things, like Docs especially. I'm so irritated that he would make that crass statement, like he might be helping you. But he's jaded in order to survive emotionally working in the field. And he probably gives no credibility to quantum physics where we know that electrons can switch course in a nonosecond and cells can become perfectly healed with thoughts of health. Most people cannot make the switch from the fear based words they heard from Docs to the words that are rooted in faith and the power of love surrounding them. You on the other hand know inside that you are moving through this and keeping doubt and fear in its place is your only job now. Keep bringing yourself back to the moment and focus on what you are holding or doing only in the moment, projecting nothing from the past or into the future. There is only now.
God did not give us a spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind. " It is OUR Father's good pleasure to give us His kingdom". His promise to give us the desires of our heart is real as are all his other promises.
I envision you well and strong surrounded by the pulsing light of the Holy Spirit. Colors are something to stare at - it's light in different frequencies and touches every cell in your body with healing vibrations. Stay rooted in gratitude as you have been for every thing small or large - this will keep you in higher vibrations.
And then Beth meditate when you can on all the love coming to you from all of us. You are a bright light in this world and your presence continues to inspire us. In - spire - In Spirit. God is an individual expression in us and is our unique gift to the world. You are the gift.
I love you, Aunt Dene
Amen to that, Aunt Dene! We love you Beth!
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Dear Beth,
I wish that we could take away some of your physical and emotional pain. Although we cannot do that, know that we are here for you, and with you, as you continue through this unbearable journey. Those words seem so inadequate as I write them. Please take peace in knowing that God does not give you more than you can handle. While you may not be able to handle it all on your own, He puts people in your life who will carry you those last steps if it is just too much to take. All of us love you and all of us would be there in an instant to love you and help you get to the finish line. When you feel like you can't make it through this 4th round, remember all of us who are here to pull you through. This too shall pass. And when it does, you will look back and know that it was all worth it for the gift of life with your incredible husband, beautiful children, and loving family. Hang in there, sis.
I love you!
Keira
Hey Betty,
It's Mac. I was reading your post, and the comments, when it occurred to me that instead of quieting your mind you might simply redirect it, focus it. I was thinking about how musical you are, and how music can uplift the soul. I know it isn't practical to play your new piano right after chemo, but maybe when you're feeling better you can find sheet music for the songs that really move you and focus on them. It just seems right. After all, you coerced me into sitting at the piano bench with you when we were kids. And, you made me sing the answering machine song with you. Who could forget the always classic, "We can't come to the phone right nowwww...SO, leave a message." And sometimes we would argue in song instead of yelling at each other. Just a thought, but maybe it will help you when you're feeling manic to just focus on some music. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, and as soon as your feeling better I can drive over to your house and let you force me to sit next to you at your new piano.
Love yas,
Mac
Just thinking of you, Honey, and pulling for you this week. Sending you love waves and prayers for an easier time of it.
Hi Beth,
Happy Mother's Day! I hope you're doing well and that you have a wonderful day with your family.
Love, Susan
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