Blogger had technical difficulties yesterday and that is why the last post went away for a while. I'm disappointed because all of the comments that you guys added before yesterday were lost. But I assure you that Steve and I read them before they were lost and they were recognized very much appreciated.
The last few days have been pretty eventful. Steve's mom went home on Thursday and we are all missing her terribly. It was such a traumatic month where we leaned on one another and grew very close as a family. We felt extremely empty yesterday and just today we are beginning to snap out of it. Even though we know she will be back soon, it's hard letting our Me-Mom go. Thank you Me-Mom.
Steve had his second appointment yesterday with Leanne Crawford, life coach, hypnotherapist, and healer. She is outstanding in her profession and she is an overall very generous, giving and healing person. When she heard about what happened to Steve and how he was having trouble sleeping, she reached out to me to offer her professional services to help him. If you recall from previous posts, Steve's mind was racing constantly with thoughts of what happened to him and he was only sleeping for short 15 minute stints. It was terrible. Over the last two years, Steve and I have both been very open to alternative therapies, combined with traditional medicine, and Steve gratefully welcomed Leanne and her offer to help. We both recognize what an important part the mind and spirit play in healing. After Steve's first session with Leanne a week ago, I knew Leanne could help me too with the trauma of this life event so I have also been to Leanne twice. She is amazing. So, we've had life coaching and hypnotherapy and Steve is sleeping and thinking better and I am too. Part of our homework with Leanne is creating affirmations that we say throughout the day. Here is my one of my favorites so far: I love and accept myself and my circumstances.
Leanne's website is http://www.violetsourcehealing.com/. If I can figure out how to do it, I will provide the link to the right of this post.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
No Guns in Heaven
Steve's had a couple bad days in a row. He's been battling extreme fatigue and pretty severe headaches. He also believes he has three more teeth that are loose, one in particular that he believes might fall out at any moment. I've always had this fear of my teeth falling out so I can't even imagine how hard that must be for Steven. My heart just aches for him when he talks about it. So that whole teeth thing combined with constantly not feeling well starts to wear on him emotionally and that's sometimes harder for him to deal with than the physical difficulties of his situation. Tonight before bed he got very emotional when thinking about the kids and how this whole thing has affected them. He also mentioned that he can't believe how close he came to getting killed or injured so badly that he wouldn't have been the same or that he would have required constant care, like from a traumatic brain injury. In those moments, I know he feels so grateful for his outcome but I think it still messes with his head. Overcoming the emotional lows is an arduous process.
Tonight at dinner, we said our blessing which prompted an interesting conversation. Janie wanted to know God's last name. It's funny how these six year-olds always stump me with the God questions. So we threw the idea of God's last name around. Kylie, who usually refers to God as "She," thought God didn't have a last name, which would have been my answer. God is like Madonna, so well known She only requires one name...no surprise they didn't get the Madonna reference, oh well. Ryan said that everyone's last name was God's last name which I thought was rather brilliant. Then later during baths we continued the God conversation and I asked the girls what they thought heaven was like. Kylie said that the angels in heaven had to go to school and when they played on the playground, it was all made of clouds. The older angels, of course, had to go to angel high school. Janie, ever the zealot, said that there are no guns in heaven. God does not allow guns in heaven. She asked me if she was right. I wasn't surprised but maybe a bit bewildered that this would be the one thing she would mention about heaven. Then I realized how important these conversations are because just like us, these kids are still reeling from what has happened. They may not act like it but they are just as insecure, overwhelmed and even traumatized as we are. It's easy to forget that when they act like happy little six year-olds.
Tonight at dinner, we said our blessing which prompted an interesting conversation. Janie wanted to know God's last name. It's funny how these six year-olds always stump me with the God questions. So we threw the idea of God's last name around. Kylie, who usually refers to God as "She," thought God didn't have a last name, which would have been my answer. God is like Madonna, so well known She only requires one name...no surprise they didn't get the Madonna reference, oh well. Ryan said that everyone's last name was God's last name which I thought was rather brilliant. Then later during baths we continued the God conversation and I asked the girls what they thought heaven was like. Kylie said that the angels in heaven had to go to school and when they played on the playground, it was all made of clouds. The older angels, of course, had to go to angel high school. Janie, ever the zealot, said that there are no guns in heaven. God does not allow guns in heaven. She asked me if she was right. I wasn't surprised but maybe a bit bewildered that this would be the one thing she would mention about heaven. Then I realized how important these conversations are because just like us, these kids are still reeling from what has happened. They may not act like it but they are just as insecure, overwhelmed and even traumatized as we are. It's easy to forget that when they act like happy little six year-olds.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Luck is Believing You're Lucky
The first thing this morning, I sent a text message to Dr. Hammoudeh telling him about the bands in Steve's mouth that had broken over the weekend. In the text, I explained that without the bands pulling Steve's mouth closed, the jaw wiring was dependent on just two small wires. Those two small wires were pulling on two teeth instead of displacing the work to all the teeth to keep Steve's mouth closed. Steve felt as though those two wires were literally pulling one of his teeth out. It was very painful and scary. Dr. Hammoudeh directed us to his Glendale office where Steve was scheduled to see Dr. Susan Lee.
The appointment with Dr. Lee went well. She checked the painful tooth and determined that it was fine at least for now. Then she replaced all the bands that had broken and both Steve and I appreciated how thorough she was. Actually, we expected nothing less from an associate of Drs. Urata and Hammoudeh who we both consider excellent. Dr. Lee suggested that Steve be seen weekly to prevent any potential problems with the bands. She also gave him replacement bands in case he should have a problem at home.
We left the appointment feeling lucky that all went well. Steve sat in the back seat to avoid any potential damage that could be done to his jaw if the air bags were to deploy in the unlikely event of an accident. As I drove home in our little Volvo, I took a quick phone call from my sister but I didn't want to talk long because I still have that annoying case of laryngitis and traffic was starting to get heavy through downtown LA. While driving through downtown, I had a nagging, uneasy feeling about the traffic because it started to back up a bit. I maneuvered into the fast lane, anticipating the carpool lane entrance, but a couple of times drivers in the fast lane stopped abruptly for no apparent reason other than heavy traffic. Luckily I had a decent amount of following distance and I was able to stop without having to slam on my brakes. Each time, however, I couldn't help checking the rear view mirror to make sure the cars behind me stopped in time.
We drove through downtown, past the Staples Center, and I found myself really concentrating on my driving. I was leaving a good margin in front for all the abrupt stopping by drivers in front of me. And I noticed the black Toyota Tundra truck behind me in my rear view mirror. Traffic slowed in front of me and I stopped with plenty of ease. At that moment, I looked into the rear view mirror again, only to watch in absolute horror as the black truck behind me seemed to be accelerating instead of slowing down. All I could think of was Steve, who had been through so much and, just to be safe, had deliberately sat in the back seat of this small car that was about to be directly impacted in the rear end by a Toyota Tundra. "OH SH@T!!!" I yelled. And then it happened. We got smacked. I could not even believe what had just transpired. After making sure Steve was ok, I seriously didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
The guy in the truck and I pulled over and got out which never happens in LA. Usually the other guy makes a run for it because he's unlicensed or uninsured or both. Luckily, this guy was super nice and honest. I actually felt sorry for him, especially after I found out that last night he had to put his 16 year-old dog to sleep. The first thing he asked was if we were ok. When he saw Steve with all that metal around his jaw, well then he was really apologetic. We exchanged information and according to his paperwork, his license and insurance were both valid. He was a genuine nice guy. The damage was pretty bad to his truck, not so much to our Volvo (a testament to Volvo) and we all shook hands, wished each other well, and went on about our way. I think I might send him a sympathy card for the thing with his dog...poor guy. The rest of the way home, we didn't talk much and then one of us would just start laughing at the ridiculousness of what had just happened in relation to all that has happened.
The point of this long, convoluted story is just what the title of this post says and what Steve and I have always believed: Luck is believing you're lucky. We believe that we are the two luckiest souls on earth and we've always believed that. I don't know of any two people who've had such good fortune. I could've died of cancer, Steve could've died of gunshot wounds, we could have both been transported to the hospital today from that car accident but none of that happened. Instead, we are alive, together and healthy (almost) and we've met great doctors and nurses and a really nice citizen who, unfortunately, just lost his dog. Man, we are really lucky.
The appointment with Dr. Lee went well. She checked the painful tooth and determined that it was fine at least for now. Then she replaced all the bands that had broken and both Steve and I appreciated how thorough she was. Actually, we expected nothing less from an associate of Drs. Urata and Hammoudeh who we both consider excellent. Dr. Lee suggested that Steve be seen weekly to prevent any potential problems with the bands. She also gave him replacement bands in case he should have a problem at home.
We left the appointment feeling lucky that all went well. Steve sat in the back seat to avoid any potential damage that could be done to his jaw if the air bags were to deploy in the unlikely event of an accident. As I drove home in our little Volvo, I took a quick phone call from my sister but I didn't want to talk long because I still have that annoying case of laryngitis and traffic was starting to get heavy through downtown LA. While driving through downtown, I had a nagging, uneasy feeling about the traffic because it started to back up a bit. I maneuvered into the fast lane, anticipating the carpool lane entrance, but a couple of times drivers in the fast lane stopped abruptly for no apparent reason other than heavy traffic. Luckily I had a decent amount of following distance and I was able to stop without having to slam on my brakes. Each time, however, I couldn't help checking the rear view mirror to make sure the cars behind me stopped in time.
We drove through downtown, past the Staples Center, and I found myself really concentrating on my driving. I was leaving a good margin in front for all the abrupt stopping by drivers in front of me. And I noticed the black Toyota Tundra truck behind me in my rear view mirror. Traffic slowed in front of me and I stopped with plenty of ease. At that moment, I looked into the rear view mirror again, only to watch in absolute horror as the black truck behind me seemed to be accelerating instead of slowing down. All I could think of was Steve, who had been through so much and, just to be safe, had deliberately sat in the back seat of this small car that was about to be directly impacted in the rear end by a Toyota Tundra. "OH SH@T!!!" I yelled. And then it happened. We got smacked. I could not even believe what had just transpired. After making sure Steve was ok, I seriously didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
The guy in the truck and I pulled over and got out which never happens in LA. Usually the other guy makes a run for it because he's unlicensed or uninsured or both. Luckily, this guy was super nice and honest. I actually felt sorry for him, especially after I found out that last night he had to put his 16 year-old dog to sleep. The first thing he asked was if we were ok. When he saw Steve with all that metal around his jaw, well then he was really apologetic. We exchanged information and according to his paperwork, his license and insurance were both valid. He was a genuine nice guy. The damage was pretty bad to his truck, not so much to our Volvo (a testament to Volvo) and we all shook hands, wished each other well, and went on about our way. I think I might send him a sympathy card for the thing with his dog...poor guy. The rest of the way home, we didn't talk much and then one of us would just start laughing at the ridiculousness of what had just happened in relation to all that has happened.
The point of this long, convoluted story is just what the title of this post says and what Steve and I have always believed: Luck is believing you're lucky. We believe that we are the two luckiest souls on earth and we've always believed that. I don't know of any two people who've had such good fortune. I could've died of cancer, Steve could've died of gunshot wounds, we could have both been transported to the hospital today from that car accident but none of that happened. Instead, we are alive, together and healthy (almost) and we've met great doctors and nurses and a really nice citizen who, unfortunately, just lost his dog. Man, we are really lucky.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Our Moms
Ironically, I woke up on this Mother's Day morning with laryngitis, however, I see and accept the gift in it. The Universe has given me the opportunity to not yell at my kids today and I'm good with that. Actually, I'm very good with that. It's nice to hear the kids yelling for me from the next room and I'm just sitting here not answering. There's something very peaceful in it.
Anyway, I wanted to pay tribute today to two of the strongest, kindest, warmest and most beloved women I know, my mom and Steve's mom. People have been commenting so much the last five weeks about how strong Steve and I are. Well, behind the strong survivors in us are two even stronger mothers. They've been through all of the challenges with us, quietly guiding us, holding us in their arms as we cried, and uplifting both of us and our kids when we needed it most. I can't think of two more beautiful and treasured women than OUR MOMS:
Steve is doing very well today. He has been sleeping much better during the night and hasn't had the terrible night sweats in the last two nights. Perhaps he has succeeded in sweating out the aftermath of all the sedatives and pain medications that he was on in the hospital. Now, however, his teeth hurt. It looks as if we will be calling Dr. Urata tomorrow because several of the bands that are holding his jaw in place have broken and Steve believes that is what is causing the pain to his teeth. He believes that the few bands that are left are the ones doing all the work which is putting strain on those few teeth to which those bands are hooked.
Finally, I'd just like to say that this is the best mother's day I've ever had. I got the best gift that I could've ever gotten which is that Steve is here to share this mother's day with me. I still have many moments when I cannot believe this is our reality, and then I am tenuously reminded of just how lucky I am. Although this is not the path I would have chosen, this mother's day is more than a celebration of our moms and of my own pilgrimage into motherhood. For me, it is a celebration of life with all of the people I love, especially my wonderful husband, my partner on this journey. I can't think of a greater gift than what I've already been given.
Anyway, I wanted to pay tribute today to two of the strongest, kindest, warmest and most beloved women I know, my mom and Steve's mom. People have been commenting so much the last five weeks about how strong Steve and I are. Well, behind the strong survivors in us are two even stronger mothers. They've been through all of the challenges with us, quietly guiding us, holding us in their arms as we cried, and uplifting both of us and our kids when we needed it most. I can't think of two more beautiful and treasured women than OUR MOMS:
My mom, Marlen
Steve and his mom, Robin aka "Me-Mom"
God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. ~ Jewish Proverb
Steve is doing very well today. He has been sleeping much better during the night and hasn't had the terrible night sweats in the last two nights. Perhaps he has succeeded in sweating out the aftermath of all the sedatives and pain medications that he was on in the hospital. Now, however, his teeth hurt. It looks as if we will be calling Dr. Urata tomorrow because several of the bands that are holding his jaw in place have broken and Steve believes that is what is causing the pain to his teeth. He believes that the few bands that are left are the ones doing all the work which is putting strain on those few teeth to which those bands are hooked.
Finally, I'd just like to say that this is the best mother's day I've ever had. I got the best gift that I could've ever gotten which is that Steve is here to share this mother's day with me. I still have many moments when I cannot believe this is our reality, and then I am tenuously reminded of just how lucky I am. Although this is not the path I would have chosen, this mother's day is more than a celebration of our moms and of my own pilgrimage into motherhood. For me, it is a celebration of life with all of the people I love, especially my wonderful husband, my partner on this journey. I can't think of a greater gift than what I've already been given.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Happy Mothers Day Weekend
This will be a short post but Steve and I want to wish a very happy mother's day weekend to all the moms out there. We are praying that all of you have a warm and joyous weekend with your families!
Steve had another very good day yesterday. He had more energy than the day before and he was more active. This morning, however, the feeling in his jaw has started to come back so he is feeling more pain in his mouth. He is very tired today which I think is caused by the pain he is experiencing.
I had to change the settings on the comments to keep out the spam. I hope it doesn't deter anyone from commenting because Steve and I really look forward to every single comment and all the words of love and support. Now when you post a comment, it will take a little bit of time before the comment actually shows up. Please don't let that stop you from commenting as Steve needs those kind words to keep the healing energy around him!!!
Steve had another very good day yesterday. He had more energy than the day before and he was more active. This morning, however, the feeling in his jaw has started to come back so he is feeling more pain in his mouth. He is very tired today which I think is caused by the pain he is experiencing.
I had to change the settings on the comments to keep out the spam. I hope it doesn't deter anyone from commenting because Steve and I really look forward to every single comment and all the words of love and support. Now when you post a comment, it will take a little bit of time before the comment actually shows up. Please don't let that stop you from commenting as Steve needs those kind words to keep the healing energy around him!!!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Great Day
We had a great day, starting with Steve's appointment with Dr. Hanpeter. We actually got to Providence Holy Cross Hospital this morning around 8:30 because Steve had to report to radiology for a chest x-ray. Then we headed over to Dr. Hanpeter's office, across the street from the hospital, for a 10:00 am appointment. It was great to see Dr. Hanpeter who seemed so relaxed outside of the hospital environment. He and Steve joked around a bit and I decided that the more I'm around him, the more I really really like Dr. Hanpeter. Dr. Hanpeter was very pleased with Steve's progress. He said the chest x-ray wasn't perfect, but it looked better than the last one, before Steve was discharged from the hospital. There's still a decent amount of fluid around the left lung and some of that will resolve on it's own. However, Dr. Hanpeter said that there will always be fluid around that lung and some of it will turn into scar tissue so Steve's left lung will never ever be what it once was. Steve will remain on the blood thinners for six months so that the blood clot in his upper left chest where the vein once was will not get any bigger. Dr. Hanpeter thought all of Steve's wounds were looking really good and won't need bandages much longer, including the stoma where the trach tube had been. Steve feels self conscious about that though so he will probably still wear a bandage on the stoma for a while. Just one month ago today, this is what Steve looked like:
After the doctor's appointment, we went to 77th Division for what can only be described as a gathering of amazing, talented, generous, selfless, altruistic, benevolent people. They came from every division of the LAPD, they came from places outside the LAPD, including LAFD and even the private sector for a BBQ Fundraiser for Steve and our family. I truly have no words to describe our level of gratitude for this event and every single person who showed up in support of our family. Thank you just doesn't seem like enough, but on behalf of Steve and the entire Jenkins family, thank you. To Officer Tanya Eppenger-Campbell, who conceived the idea of the BBQ and organized the event, you are our hero, our luminary, and we are beyond grateful for you. To Teri Casey, girl, I owe you so much more than a pedicure! To Tami Baumann and Joy Williams, you girls rock! To everyone who made this event happen, you will always have a very special place in my heart. To Mark Geiger, Steve is SO sorry he missed you!
We only stayed for about 45 minutes because Steve was pretty spent after the doctor's appointment. I tried to take as many photographs in that short time as I could.
He's come so far.
After the doctor's appointment, we went to 77th Division for what can only be described as a gathering of amazing, talented, generous, selfless, altruistic, benevolent people. They came from every division of the LAPD, they came from places outside the LAPD, including LAFD and even the private sector for a BBQ Fundraiser for Steve and our family. I truly have no words to describe our level of gratitude for this event and every single person who showed up in support of our family. Thank you just doesn't seem like enough, but on behalf of Steve and the entire Jenkins family, thank you. To Officer Tanya Eppenger-Campbell, who conceived the idea of the BBQ and organized the event, you are our hero, our luminary, and we are beyond grateful for you. To Teri Casey, girl, I owe you so much more than a pedicure! To Tami Baumann and Joy Williams, you girls rock! To everyone who made this event happen, you will always have a very special place in my heart. To Mark Geiger, Steve is SO sorry he missed you!
We only stayed for about 45 minutes because Steve was pretty spent after the doctor's appointment. I tried to take as many photographs in that short time as I could.
Steve with Officer Tanya Eppenger-Campbell
Some of the girls:
Sgt. Teri Casey and Officer Joy Williams
Sgt. Tami Baumann and Teri
Officers Rebecca Martin and Catherine Durant
(My locker room confidantes)
Steve and the guys:
Steve and Officer Ed Pigao
Steve and Sgt. Steve Dorsey
Steve and Sgt. Ozzie Ramos and Det. Tom Matthews
The Captains of 77th:
Capt. Dennis Kato
Capt. Jorge Rodriguez
Random shots:
Sgt. Craig Valenzuela and his son
Look at all these people!
The Chef
We wished we could have stayed the entire time. Steve wanted to shake the hand of every person who attended. It was a great day.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Slow Going
Steve had a couple good days in a row and then today he seems to have taken a step backward. He was tired all day and he slept a lot despite a much better night's sleep last night. He was a little feverish after his shower this morning but that seems to be pretty typical. Steve suffered another migraine headache tonight which is a little disconcerting. I'm hoping that is just because his body has been through so much and it is angry. But one of the pins that goes from the external pin fixator into his face was tender this morning and the doctor told us to be attentive to any changes in the skin around the pins or any pain which could indicate an infection. Later in the day the tenderness around the pin subsided so we are in "wait and see" posture.
In between Steve's naps today, he came outside to sit with me for a few minutes on the patio as I was enjoying the beautiful day. We had the opportunity to talk about the elusive answers to the big question "Why?" As we talked, I mentioned my last post which I explained I probably shouldn't have posted. I was afraid it made me sound like a complainer and he had me read it to him. His eyes watered as I read the words and his head fell. He's very emotional about what this incident has done our whole family and he has said before that he feels a sense of responsibility for putting us through this. Of course, I told him how proud we all are of him and I tried my best to reassure him that we are all okay. Then he told me something that I almost expected to hear all along because of who Steven Jenkins is. Ever since I've known Steve, he's always been a do-gooder. Everywhere we go, he attracts people that need help . . . old ladies who have flat tires, kids whose bikes have stopped working because the chain has fallen off, neighbors who have fallen and can't get up (cheezy I know...but true!), dogs that have been hit by cars. You name it, Steve has helped that person, or dog. Once he even foiled a vehicle theft in progress on our own street! Just like all the great superheroes, he's always in the right place at the right time, perfectly and strategically placed so he can help whomever is in need of help. So when he told me that he wasn't even supposed to be working the day he got shot, that he traded days off, I was at first astonished, then reassured, comforted and inspired. What an example of "everything happens for a reason." In that moment, I was reminded of the certainty of the bigger plan. I know myself well enough to know that I will still ask why. But hopefully I will just look into the eyes of my hero and know why. Here he is with his kids tonight before bedtime:
In between Steve's naps today, he came outside to sit with me for a few minutes on the patio as I was enjoying the beautiful day. We had the opportunity to talk about the elusive answers to the big question "Why?" As we talked, I mentioned my last post which I explained I probably shouldn't have posted. I was afraid it made me sound like a complainer and he had me read it to him. His eyes watered as I read the words and his head fell. He's very emotional about what this incident has done our whole family and he has said before that he feels a sense of responsibility for putting us through this. Of course, I told him how proud we all are of him and I tried my best to reassure him that we are all okay. Then he told me something that I almost expected to hear all along because of who Steven Jenkins is. Ever since I've known Steve, he's always been a do-gooder. Everywhere we go, he attracts people that need help . . . old ladies who have flat tires, kids whose bikes have stopped working because the chain has fallen off, neighbors who have fallen and can't get up (cheezy I know...but true!), dogs that have been hit by cars. You name it, Steve has helped that person, or dog. Once he even foiled a vehicle theft in progress on our own street! Just like all the great superheroes, he's always in the right place at the right time, perfectly and strategically placed so he can help whomever is in need of help. So when he told me that he wasn't even supposed to be working the day he got shot, that he traded days off, I was at first astonished, then reassured, comforted and inspired. What an example of "everything happens for a reason." In that moment, I was reminded of the certainty of the bigger plan. I know myself well enough to know that I will still ask why. But hopefully I will just look into the eyes of my hero and know why. Here he is with his kids tonight before bedtime:
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