Hairstyle Before and After

I got my hair cut today. Here are the before and after photos:


Before

















After
















I have one disclaimer about the after photo. I had Steve take this picture later in the afternoon right after I had walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes.

I got my new hair style in the morning and I couldn't wait to pick up the kids from school. I even asked Steve if he thought the kids would recognize me. I was so excited when 11:55 rolled around and we were en route to the school. The anticipation of seeing the amazed looks on their faces was killing me. I even told Steve, "Well now you know Jane will want to get her hair cut as soon as she sees me."

We waited at the classroom door as other parents signed for their kids. Even the other parents were telling me how they liked my haircut. Finally, I made it to the front of the line and the teacher called the kids' names to excuse them. Out the door they came and I just knew the girls and maybe Ryan would give a big, "OHHHH Mommy!" But they walked out of class, looked at me, said, "Hi Mom," and they walked right past me. Not a word was spoken about my new do. We got to the car and as Steve buckled them in I asked, "Do I look any different???" They just looked at me curiously and said simply, "No." Then on to more important things they asked what was for lunch.

As I pondered this whole "haircut experience" and my grand expectations of my kids' reactions, I gained an interesting perspective. How humbling it is to be a parent. And whether you're making lunch or battling cancer, they expect you to be there for them. It's just understood that you will show up and they may not even notice your new haircut. But that's ok because you're there and they love and appreciate you for that.

Well anyway, hopefully the new haircut will ease the pain of thinning from the chemo. That was the point. And I feel a little lighter and that's always good. I love you all.

Feeling Normal Again

I spent Saturday and Sunday nights alone with the kids. Steve went to work and all my help went home because I insisted that we should all be getting our lives back to normal, or at least a new normal. I have to confess I didn't know how I would cope when I was tired and the kids started acting like four year-old kids. But I had to give it a try.

I am three weeks and three days post-op and my strength is back. I am dying to get back on the treadmill. I gained back 8 of the 10 pounds I lost in the hospital which is ok with me because I am eating healthier than I ever have. The incision down the front of my belly is healing well but I had a few issues with the small incision the doctor made to check my liver. Here is a picture:





















Sorry if the picture is too graphic...

I went to see the nutritionist today and I learned some very interesting things. Did you know that pure, natural fresh honey (preferably from a health food store or right from the bee hive) is a natural remedy, like neosporin, for wounds? I did not know that. And wheat germ oil can be used on scars instead of expensive over the counter treatments like Mederma. In fact, Mederma contains various parabens which are not good for us and are contained in our beauty products and cosmetics.

Anyway, at the end of my appointment, the nutritionist said, "You're either doing remarkably well handling your situation or you are really in denial." And then he tried to recite the stages of grief. He really made me wonder how I am actually doing with this situation. I think to some extent I am in denial, although I felt pretty angry recently while watching The Biggest Loser. I felt pissed off and couldn't understand how all those people could let themselves go for so long and they're not battling cancer. Yet I have been so diligent with my health and I have cancer. But in my heart, I know I am not going to die from colon cancer. I just know. And if that's being in denial, then well, I guess that's what it is.

Life is getting back to normal now. I am yelling at Steve and the kids again and they're not listening to me anyway. It's almost like the last month never happened. But it's great...

Thank you for your ongoing prayers. They are working. My love and gratitude to you all.

More Great News

Steve got a call from Dr. McNamara today. It seems that one of the lab tests they did on my cancer was to determine whether or not it had mutated. If the cancer had mutated, then that meant that the cancer would be much more difficult to treat as it would be more resistant to traditional chemotherapies. If it hadn't mutated, there would be more drugs that we could use to fight my cancer. Well, the results are in and the cancer has NOT mutated. Hallelujah!!!

Steve said I should be including pictures again. He's right. I will take more pictures and add them to the blog now that I am feeling better. I have a hair appointment next week and I am considering a short (or shorter) haircut. The chemotherapy nurses said my hair would be thinning and if that is true, a shorter haircut might make it seem less traumatic in some way. So if I decide to go shorter, I will definitely include a before and after.

More Miracles

I had another appointment with Dr. McNamara (oncologist) at City of Hope. I prepared myself for this appointment by expecting the worst. I told Steve that I expected the doctor to tell me things looked really bad from the PET scan. However, I wasn't going to be pessimistic, I just wanted to be prepared. When you've been where I've been over the last month, there is an expectation that nothing goes as expected...therefore, I'm learning to expect the worse in a positive way if that makes any sense at all.

I was so very pleasantly surprised when Dr. McNamara said at the beginning of our appointment that he had met with a team of surgeons and oncologists regarding my case. That he had done any homework on me at all was refreshing and promising. But the real surprise was when Dr. McNamara said, "It's the consensus to start chemotherapy first and then consider surgery down the road." For the first time in the last month I think I breathed a very real sigh of relief. Don't get me wrong, we've had our miracles along the way for which I will always be grateful. But the thought of surgery again was daunting in a way that's hard to explain. And truly I don't think I would've had it in me to have surgery again so soon.

The results of the PET scan were interesting. The only cancer seen on the scan was the fibrous mass which has encapsulated my abdominal lymph nodes. Dr. McNamara said I really don't have much cancer. But the troubling part is that the location of the mass (those particular lymph nodes) usually indicate that there is cancer somewhere else. However, all the evidence suggests the only cancer I have is in that mass. I know this all seems so confusing and honestly I am always left with more questions than I went in with. Basically the important points we got from this appointment were these: 1) The only cancer they saw was the abdominal mass; 2) The cancer I have appears to be moderately aggressive; 3) I am going to begin chemotherapy March 2; 4) Surgery will happen later by a team of surgeons who really know what they're doing. Finally, I met the nurses who will give the chemotherapy treatment and they are very nice and knowledgeable.

I titled this post "More Miracles" because there are things about my illness that no one can explain and they appear to me to be miracles. We asked Dr. McNamara what caused the horrendous pain that put me in the ER in November and again in January. He couldn't explain it; he had no idea what caused that pain. What he really couldn't explain was why it disappeared so quickly and for no apparent reason. More interesting though, is that the pain came back 10 times worse in January. I know in my heart it was a miracle that the unexplained pain brought me the diagnosis. Another thing my family and I are considering a miracle is that I have been living with this cancer but my body fought hard to protect me from it. And because my body fought so hard, the cancer is contained, as far as we know, in this fibrous mass and it is not in the other organs.

We are more hopeful today than we've been in a long time. Today was a good day. Chemo begins March 2 and there's a good chance I won't lose my hair. But even if I go bald, at least I have a husband who can introduce me to all the important cold-weather gear for hair-impaired people.

As always, thanks for reading the blog and keeping my family and me in your prayers. My love and God's miracles to you all.

Still Don't Know Much

I had my doctor appointment with Dr. McNamara at the City of Hope on Wednesday. He seemed very smart and much more knowledgeable about cancer than any of the other doctors we have seen. However, because it was my first visit with him, he is still familiarizing himself with my case. Because of that, we still don't have many answers. Dr. McNamara ordered a PET scan which will show all of the places in my body that I have cancer. I went Thursday for that scan and I see Dr. McNamara again on Tuesday for the results.

I felt frustrated after my appointment with Dr. McNamara because I had hoped that he would tell me I would undergo chemotherapy and then everything would be ok. But instead he said that I would likely endure more surgery because surgery is the "gold standard" for treating cancer. The goal is to eliminate my body of all cancer which truly can only be achieved through surgery. But the surgery I will require will be difficult at best due to the proximity of the mass to important things like the aorta and spinal chord. The surgery itself would have to be performed by a team of "virtuoso" surgeons. Additionally, Dr. McNamara said it was rare that colon cancer would metastasize to the abdominal lymph nodes near the aorta. They likely see that in other types of cancers including testicular cancer and ovarian cancer. So he really doesn't know quite what we are dealing with yet until he sees more test results. That was troubling to me. But ultimately Dr. McNamara said that he would do everything humanly possible to see that I overcome this cancer. That was reassuring.

I find myself in a positive place despite the uncertainty of my situation. Today I scheduled appointments with an acupuncturist and a nutritionist. I am determined to use every available weapon in this battle. And I think part of determining what weapons to use in my arsenal requires me to take a long hard look into my life. I accept that if I can recognize my weaknesses and shortcomings, I am more likely to fix them. For one thing, I know I need to drink more water and that is just the beginning.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I've always loved this time of year but this year is different. It feels much more real and exciting this year than ever before. I am going to take the opportunity to recognize all the gifts I have been given. I am filled with gratitude and love and I wish you all the same. Happy Valentine's Day!!! My love to you all...

I'm Home

Hello everyone! Sorry for not posting sooner, I know you've all been wondering how we're all doing. The surgery went well. The surgeon removed about 5 inches of my colon where the cancer originated and he also removed 26 lymph nodes. Of the 26 nodes, 9 were cancerous. They know there is still some mass left that they couldn't remove due to their proximity to my aorta and spinal cord. And before closing, they scoped my colon again and found a polyp so they went back in and removed that and a good margin around it. In all, I feel like I am recovering well.

I was discharged from the hospital yesterday and I can't tell you how good it was to be home. It had been such a long two weeks of uncertainty, fear, and the hardship of being away from Steve and the kids. I owe so much to Steve, the love of my life, who has fought for me to have the best of everything. He hounded the City of Hope until they agreed to see me next week for a consultation and we are looking forward to meeting with the doctor for a game plan.

I feel compelled to share what I have learned in such a short amount of time because it has filled me with gratitude. Before all of this, I was so caught up in my daily routine and just "getting things done" that I forgot about every single thing in my life that was important to me. I never took time to enjoy and listen to my husband and my kids. When I came home yesterday, I layed in the bed recuperating and Ryan came in to chat. He just wanted to be with his mom. For the very first time, I actually listened to my son. He talked about anything and everything that came to mind. When I am well, he wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese, the zoo, Sea World, and Disneyland. He's making plans for us...

Thank you Mom, Dad, Me-mom, Andrew, and Kristen for everything you've done and to everyone who offered help and food and anything they could do. Thank you all for your prayers and for keeping me in your thoughts. Steve, the kids and I are grateful and we are hopeful.