Alternatives

I started feeling complacent. I don't want to always be a cancer "victim" but a recurrence would devastate me. And I realized after a weekend of Diet Coke bingeing that I wasn't doing everything I could possibly do to prevent a recurrence. It's been weighing heavily on me that I seem to be slipping back into my old bad habits, i.e. not drinking enough water, drinking WAY too much diet coke, putting Splenda in everything... I could go on and on. Haven't I learned anything?! More than anything else, I felt like I possibly had some emotional issues that could have helped to create the perfect storm, allowing cancer to grow in my body. After a lot of thought and careful consideration, I decided to try alternative medicine to help me find some balance.

Now, I'm still a fan of Dr. Mc Namara, my oncologist. He's my number one doctor for sure and I will continue to be treated by him and I will religiously follow every doctor's order he gives. But I feel I'd be remiss if I foolishly believed that I made it though the last year and, now that I'm in remission, my work is done. No way. I still have a road to travel. So I did my research and I went to an alternative medicine guy. I'm having a hard time figuring out what to call him. He's an actual M.D. so I don't really feel comfortable calling him "alternative medicine guy." I guess I could also call him a homeopath or a naturopath. But in any case, I went to see him. I'll just call him Dr. Kaslow.

During my first visit, Dr. Kaslow's nurses conducted all sorts of interesting and funky tests, biorhythym tests, saliva and urine tests, electrodes attached to my forehead for some sort of reading, measurements of my arms and legs, and lot of other things. But the most interesting part of the appointment was actually meeting the doctor. He was tall and thin and reserved but reassuring, friendly in a quiet way, yet he talked a lot about different components of alternative medicine. He knew a lot about cancer and specifically colon cancer. The alternative treatments he mentioned for cancer patients were exactly what I'd been uncovering in my own research. There were lot of interesting things he said but one of the things that really stuck with me was that people who beat cancer are well because they believed they would survive. He also said that in his experience, the cancer patients who don't do well also don't work on the emotional component. My wheels have been turning ever since. While I still have a healthy amount of skepticism, I'm taking the supplements he prescribed. In the meantime, Dr. Kaslow is devising a whole body treatment plan to include the supplements, energy work (in the form of acupuncture I think) nutrition (although he was in agreement with the vegan plan) and emotional support. I'm looking forward to my next appointment with Dr. Kaslow.

How do I Ever Say Thank You?

I don't think anyone ever checks the blog anymore. It's hard to explain why I haven't posted anything in so long. I started many posts and then couldn't finish them. I became overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions and could never put anything into words. So I'll do my best to explain where I am physically, emotionally and spiritually these days.

Last week I had my first post-op CT scan. This was such an important scan because it would be the first indicator of my post surgical status. Before the scan, Dr. McNamara thought it was likely that I was in remission but there was no proof of that except that I had no symptoms of recurrence. I went in for the scan on Tuesday. On Thursday night, Dr. McNamara called with the results. He said it was the best possible news. There was no evidence of any cancer. I was officially cancer-free!!! A true miracle...

I went to his office the next day to discuss the results in detail. We were ecstatic about the news that I was cancer-free. There was only one problem, I had kidney damage in my left kidney. The CT report read that my left kidney had severe atrophy and was only marginally functioning. Honestly, Steve and I didn't really know what to make of that. Dr. McNamara explained that the damage likely happened during surgery because they were doing so much intricate work in that area. Apparently, blood flow may have been compromised to the left kidney. So in typical, wonderful, Dr. McNamara-form, the doctor put it into perspective for us. He said that if it would have been him, and someone had told him a year ago that he would be cancer-free in one year but that he had to pay with a kidney, he would've done it in a heartbeat. He told me that a kidney was a reasonable price to pay for being cancer-free. With that, I took a deep breath and reveled in the miraculous news.

On January 30, 2009, I was told I had cancer - adenocarcinoma originating in my colon. First, I was told it was stage III and then it was re-staged to a IV...a virtual death sentence. And on February 19, 2010 I was told I am in remission, cancer-free. Words cannot begin to describe what I feel so I won't even try. But in some way I need to say thank you. Thank you to every person who prayed. Thank you to every person who contributed to the healing consciousness that brought me here. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I am grateful beyond words...

So what now? Well, I will be seeing a kidney specialist to discuss treatment. Hopefully he (Dr. Linsey) can tell me that the kidney can be saved. But if not, I will live a long life with one kidney. And I intend to continue my vegan diet. I love it. I would not eat any other way now. In the beginning I started a plant based diet because I wanted to be healthier. But I've done a lot of research lately about factory farming and where my food comes from and happily, my consciousness has changed. I'm living a vegan life for many other reasons. I'm raising my kids to be vegetarians and we no longer eat at McDonald's and my kids are fine with that. I'm still hoping to run a marathon someday but for now, I'm doing yoga which is SUPER hard (for me anyway). After we figure this whole kidney thing out I will return to work. Life is good...

I love every single one of you who reads this blog. I love every single person who said even one prayer for me or who kept me in his or her thoughts. You will always have a very, very special place in my heart.

Looking Forward to What's Next

I haven't posted anything new in a while because things haven't changed much. Although the recovery from surgery has been long and difficult, I am getting stronger everyday. I think the fact that I'm not facing anymore chemotherapy has done wonders for my overall outlook so even when I am exhausted (which seems like all the time), I feel very positive. Steve's mom is here helping us so she has taken the burden of household chores from me. Because of that I've been able to concentrate on the kids and their needs, especially school stuff. I am so grateful for her and everything she does for us.

I am still trying to come to terms with what being "done with treatment" acutally means. I am so relieved to be "cancer free" but at the same time I am afraid to stray too far from being a patient. I have been super strict about what I allow myself to eat for fear that any sugar, preservatives, or all the other bad stuff will trigger a relapse. And every twinge or pain I feel, I find myself wondering what it means. Just today I received something in the mail about heart disease and how it's the silent killer and my first thought was that I should make an appointment to have my heart checked out. I guess I'm a little paranoid. But Dr. McNamara said that would happen and it's normal to feel that way. I think I will be able to relax a little when I have another scan.

In the meantime, I tell anyone who asks that my life is forever changed in the best way possible from this whole experience. I am thankful for the smallest things. Yesterday the kids and I displayed our Halloween decorations and they were SO excited. I was so grateful to be here for that.

Moving On

I have great news that I've been wanting to share since last Wednesday but I've been holding off in an effort to find the exact words. I had an appointment last Wednesday with my oncologist, Dr. McNamara, my hero. Steve made the appointment because we had the ominous prospect of the next dreaded round of chemotherapy looming over us. And everytime Steve wanted to talk to me about it, I told him I wasn't ready. I didn't want to sacrifice the positive, healing thoughts I was trying so hard to hold onto everyday and contaminate them with poisonous, toxic thoughts of chemotherapy. I told Steve that whatever Dr. McNamara decided in regard to my ongoing treatment, I would do. Dr. McNamara got me this far so I would put all my faith in him (and God of course). However, I've been praying since July 29th that I would never have to endure another round of chemo.

Mom and Dad went with us to the appointment. After everything we've all been through, I think they were as desperate as we were to have answers. We all wanted to know where we were headed. We waited in the examination room for Dr. McNamara. While waiting, the nurse took my blood pressure and pulse which were normal. I had so many issues with my BP and pulse in the last seven weeks that we were all happy to see normal numbers for a change. When the doctor came in, he seemed a little surprised to see me but when Steve explained why we were there, he was nothing but understanding. He seemed to truly understand our need for him to clarify what was next. But before I let him speak, I had to plead my case. I explained that I really didn't want to do anymore chemo and I couldn't understand why I would even need anymore chemo if the cancer they knew was there had been removed. Then I crossed my fingers and held my breath when it was his turn to tell me what treatment I needed next.

He agreed with me! He said that I've had 7 rounds of chemo which, in theory, should be enough to kill any microscopic cancer. He explained that if the microscopic cancer was not eliminated with 7 rounds of chemo then there was no evidence to suggest that it would be eliminated if I had 5 more rounds. Basically, now we wait and see what happens next. And if I remain cancer free for 5 years then they will consider me cured. So I'm done. I'M DONE!!! I will have scans every six months in the beginning and taper off to yearly scans. And I will always have yearly colonoscopies.

We left the appointment not knowing what to say or what to think. We were definitely happy for sure. We were ecstatic and grateful to say the least. But I think we're all still in shock in some ways. This has been our way of life for the last nine months...surgeries, doctor's appointments, infusions, more surgeries. Steve's mom and my mom and dad lived with us more than they lived in their own homes. And now the doctor was saying it was over. He said, "You did beautifully. In the beginning we could have only hoped we'd end up here." I battled and battled. And now the battle is over. Even as my fingers type the words I can't believe it.

I'm afraid to say I've won the battle for fear I will appear too arrogant. If no one hears me knock on wood what will happen? I'm afraid I will lose sight of where I've been, or forget how grateful I've been for all the miracles, for this miracle. There's a lot of fear that comes with being done with treatment. Steve feels it too. We ran into the kids' pediatrician, Dr. G., the one who battled breast cancer a year ago. She never tells people she beat her cancer. Instead she says she's done with treatment and her doctor will be monitoring her closely. I think I will just say I'm done. That was something I did. I battled cancer and I'm done with that and now it's time to move on.

Slow Progress and First Day of Kindergarten

Hey Everyone! For the first time in a long time I find myself without words. I've had a chance to read through all the blog entries which Mike wrote and every single comment from everyone who commented and I am deeply humbled and completely overwhelmed by your love and support.

First I have to give huge praise to Mike. I knew I picked the right man for the job! I am extremely grateful for all the work he put into the blog and amazed by his incredible talent. He's back to work now so that's why we haven't heard from him and he has exciting news that he agreed to let me share with all of you. He and his wonderful wife, Keira, found out recently that they are expecting their first child! And in the same week they were also notified that the offer they made on a home (short sale of course...Keira is an AMAZING deal finder) was accepted and they are buying their first house! I can't imagine two more deserving people receiving such an abundance of great happenings. Thanks Mike for your work on the blog and CONGRATULATIONS!

Now, how do I begin to thank you all for your prayers, support, and love that has made this recovery process bearable?! I am truly indebted to you all because the thoughts and the prayers worked and continue to work everyday. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.

I know I have made progress, but this recovery process is a thousand times harder than I could've ever prepared myself for and I cry a lot throughout the day. Luckily there is very little pain but the extreme fatigue makes it hard to even lift my head sometimes. I also still have quite a bit of nausea which I am hoping will subside soon. Because of the fatigue and the nausea, I went to the doctor last week because we were fearful that my hemoglobin had dropped again. I had a blood test which showed all levels were normal. The doctor explained that the fatigue is a result of the intense chemotherapy I received during the surgery. When I look back to where I've been I know I've come a long way but there are times when I feel so hopeless, like I'll never feel normal again.

Today was the kids' first day of kindergarten. I wasn't going to miss it for anything so I gathered all the strength I could muster and went to the school with the rest of my family. I thought I had prepared myself emotionally for this day. I mean, the kids had already gone to pre-school so I really thought this would be no different. We arrived at school and the kids were directed to hang their backpacks on the nearby hooks and then play on the playground until the bell rang. We parents watched as our kids quickly began making new friends. Then the bell rang. My kids froze in place and just stood there not knowing what to do. Then the teachers began corralling the kids and directing them toward the classrooms. Before lining up at the classroom door, my kids came up to give us hugs and kisses before starting their day. That's when I almost lost it but I knew if I began to cry, my kids wouldn't want to leave me. So I pushed back the tears and put on my happiest face. They seemed excited and eager until Kylie came back to me and hugged me again. She wouldn't let go and I could tell by the solemn look on her face she was uncertain about all of this. She said, "I'm going to miss you Mommy." So I gave her one last great big hug, told her I'd be back to get her soon, and then brought Janie over to hold her hand and be with her. I told them to stick together. The two girls walked hand in hand and got in line and the teacher made an announcement, "Ok kids, everyone blow your mommies and daddies a kiss and say goodbye." All 24 kids did just that and off they went into the classroom. We parents all looked so goofy peering through the window to get one last look. We left and I've been crying off and on all day. I keep looking at the clock to see if I can go pick them up but time seems to be standing still in so many ways...

More Progress

Yesterday Beth had her doctor's appointment at the City of Hope. The wife and I went up to Long Beach to babysit the triplets while Beth and Steve were gone. I'd spoken on the phone with Beth the day before and she didn't sound good. The fatigue was audible and her spirits were low, so I was preparing myself to see the worst. It turns out that wasn't necessary. She looked great! Apart from the pic line hanging from her arm, she looked as good as she did before the big surgery. Her energy seemed pretty good, and if not for a meltdown from one of the triplets I'm sure her spirits would have been good as well. After a few hours they returned and Beth plopped down on the couch. The trip had pretty much drained her, but she was able to sit and chat for a while. The doctors removed the pic line, which both Beth and Steve were excited about. Apparently, the pumps for the pic line are quite noisy, and if the line gets kinked or the battery is low an alarm will go off which makes for a long and sleepless night. Her incision is healing very well and is not giving her any trouble at all. Mostly, she is struggling with terrible fatigue and nausea.

Slow Going

Well, it's been a few days and Beth is finding the whole recovery process to be agonizingly slow. She's still eating and keeping everything down, but her energy is low. She just wants to feel normal, and because she doesn't she is very emotional. She has an appointment with Dr. Paz this coming Thursday. Hopefully between now and then her body will cooperate a little bit.