I left the hospital around two yesterday afternoon to go home, see the kids, take a shower, and take a nap. It had been another long night and I really only got a few cat naps. I seriously don't know how sick people are expected to get better when they're never allowed to sleep. Anyway, I accomplished all of my to do list, even the nap, although I wished it would have been longer. It was so good to be home, hanging out with the kids and we had a great time. When it was time for me to leave and go back to the hospital, everything fell apart. The kids started arguing over who was playing the Indiana Jones DS game and I felt my short fuse just about to ignite. I've noticed that every time I've had to leave for the hospital, the arguing begins and I realized early on in this journey that the kids were definitely needing extra attention and reassurance about their daddy. After all, not only is their dad not around (under traumatic circumstances no less), but they haven't seen me much either. Their lives have been turned completely upside down. But I never understood the depth of their pain until last night. And honestly, I think I haven't even seen the true depth yet.
Jane was ranting about the DS game and how she hadn't gotten her turn to play. Then she said, "I just wish Daddy was here." Kylie snapped at her, "Jane, stop it, you're stressing Mom out!" That caught my attention. Then Kylie began crying. I knew she was feeling the pain of missing Steven so I began inquiring about her feelings. Kylie had been sleeping with me the morning I received the phone call about Steven. Under normal circumstances, Kylie is a very sound sleeper and it's hard to wake her. But she must have heard the phone ring at 3:47 that morning. I was in such a state of panic that I don't even remember what I said on the phone. So as Kylie and I began talking about Steven she said to me, "Mom, you were on the phone that night and you said, 'Is he alive?' You were talking about Daddy." I sat there staring at her feeling stunned. I had no idea she knew that. I began crying with her. She started asking specific details about how Steven had been shot. I was so bewildered that her six year-old mind could process all of the information enough to have such specific questions. After talking to my sister-in-law, I realized that Kylie probably thought Steven was dead and that perhaps we just weren't telling her. I realized that I needed to find a way to let the kids see Steven.
Steve didn't sleep last night at all. Today, he is so exhausted but despite that, his white cell count is nearly normal which means the antibiotics are finally working. Thank you, God. I asked him if he wanted to see the kids and he said yes. The nurse approved it so we are going to make that happen today. I think it will do our whole family good to be together again. Dr. Hanpeter came in after reviewing test results and was happy about the white cell count. He's keeping him on the ventilator, though, which I know Steve's not happy about. The physical therapist came in and said that she is going to have Steven start walking tomorrow. For today, Steven did leg exercises while sitting in a chair beside the bed.
To my dear friends Melissa and Joshua, thank you for today.
3 comments:
Hi Beth and family,
Glad you were able to go home and be with the kids. Yes, it is amazing how smart they are how little we know about their thoughts. I'm so happy that you were able to talk to Kylie and help her understand what's going on with her Dad. I'm sure they will all feel better when they see him for themselves. It might be hard to see him with all the paraphernalia that is attached to him, but, they will still feel better to see the love and happiness in his eyes to see them. Good news, too, about his white cell count. We continue to keep Steven and all of you in our prayers and thoughts. My brother, Bob, called today for another update. He asked that you would please tell Robin he is thinking and praying for her. Well, looking forward to another "good news" post tomorrow. Continue to take good care of each other, you are all such a blessing. Steven is so fortunate to have so much support. But, he's no stranger to support, as he's been on the other side and knows what it's like. God bless all of you.
Beth
Im so happy the kids are going to take a trip and see Steve. You all need that bonding at this time to keep you strong and the kids happier while you are away. It is amazing how much 6yr olds know and how they process everything. While I was in the hospital with Matthew, Megan did not get to come see him and I devoted ALL my attention to him. I felt as if I was failing as a mom and my quick trips home were to pack for that next night and take a shower and did not benefit her at all. I was a whirlwind in the house because I didn't want to be away from him and miss any updates. Megan had meltdown after meltdown and all she wanted me to do was stay with her or play a simple game. Once we were both back at home, she recovered and did question why I was gone for so long and said "Mommy if I'm ever in the hospital I don't want you to leave me!" I felt relieved in a small way. Matthew has your blog bookmarked on his laptop and shares it with his 3rd grade class daily. He asks every day to read your blog at night with me and recalls watching the news that terrible monday morning. He tells everyone about Officer Steve, it is so sweet. Enjoy your FAMILY visit, it will be the first of many to come. WE LOVE YOU!!!! See you this week :)
We are with you in spirit and prayer and hope that the time your family was able to spend together today was uplifting.
Alex, Christina, Noah (3 yrs.) and Sam (11 months)
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