Coping

After my breakdown yesterday, I went home to the kids whom I hadn't seen in two days.  I needed the comfort of my connection to Steven through them.  It was exactly what I needed to center myself so that I could be there for Steve.  I know my last post was convoluted and all over the place so I will try to describe a clearer picture of where Steven is now.  From what the nurses are telling us, the sedative that Steven was on for a week has deposited into the fat cells in his body.  So now that he is no longer receiving the medication in his IV, it is still lingering in his body causing him to be disoriented.  In addition, he is in pain, in shock, and on a level hard for us to comprehend, he is trying to come to terms with the temporary loss of his independence and his ability to communicate.  All of this has caused a complete personality change from the Steven we all know.  He has been very angry, even kind of violent at times.  Now that we have been dealing with this, I know what to expect but yesterday when I saw this anger and confusion directed specifically at me, I was completely stunned and scared.

Physically, Steve's last chest xray did not look very good indicating that he is definitely still fighting pneumonia.  He has had a fever as well.  The doctors removed him from the ventilator and he was on room air but now he's back on the vent to help his lungs stay fully inflated.  Later today he will go back on room air.  While writing this post, Dr. Hanpeter came in.  He advised that there's something, a possible infection in Steve's blood.  That would account for the fever so they are treating him with more antibiotics.  Tomorrow they may replace Steve's trach tube with a smaller one which will allow Steve to be able to talk but that all depends on how he does today without the ventilator.  Interestingly, Dr. Hanpeter told us that it is very common for patients to have no recollection whatsoever of their intensive care unit experience and that Steve's aggressive behavior is likely caused by shock.  Dr. Hanpeter is just excellent.  He was very reassuring.

I am so grateful for all the comments on the blog.  It means so much to know we are fully supported with love and healing thoughts from so many people.  In particular, I'd like to thank Cheryl (MCD) for sharing the story about her son.  Cheryl, the experience you shared about your son was exactly what I needed in the exact moment I read it.  I am so very grateful that you shared that with me and so many others and I am especially grateful for your son's full recovery.  I wish you and your family much love and peace. 

We have a long way to go, but I'm hoping that we can only go up from here.