I got to the hospital a little late tonight. Again, it was so hard leaving the kids. This whole thing is really taking it's toll on all of us. Luckily, I got a good, solid four hour nap today at home in my own bed. It was my own little glimpse of heaven. And it was such a nice reprieve, to be able to take a break from my thoughts for a while. Nevertheless, the drive to the hospital tonight was extremely emotional, thinking of how the kids are starting to break under the immensity of all of this. When I arrived at Steven's room, he was sitting up and he looked really good.
He asked about the kids and we both started crying. We miss them and they miss us and to quote my 6 year-old son (who gets in trouble everytime he says this), "This sucks!" So while the nurse was cleaning around the pins in Steve's jaw, I opened the laptop to read him the latest comments from the last blog post. As I read, we sat there, completely humbled, hanging on every last word from every comment. Even the nurse, Kate, laughed and cried with us and stuck around to hear more. I know I mentioned in one of the previous posts that I was trying to figure out the gift in all of this. Well, I think I found one huge gift tonight. Thank you to all who have commented.
Today was a good day in Steve's recovery. Dr. Hanpeter ordered a chest CT late yesterday which showed that Steve had very little fluid left around his left lung. Therefore, Dr. Hanpeter, took out both chest tubes this morning. Steve was so relieved to have those things out! Then, Dr. Hanpeter gave his blessing for Steve to begin a clear liquid diet so he's been drinking water like crazy. And he also had a little clear broth for dinner so there's no doubt he'll be drinking milkshakes in no time. Although the doctor wants Steven to stay in the ICU, he changed the orders for the number of times Steve's vitals have to be taken so that will eliminate the constant interruptions throughout the night. Hopefully that will allow Steve to sleep better. Steve's trach tube was changed to a smaller one that allows him to pass air through his vocal chords so now he can speak a little bit. It is difficult, though, so Steve is still using his own version of sign language which has actually proven to be pretty effective. Finally, Steve will not be going home on Friday as we all hoped. He's just not ready yet. Dr. Hanpeter said that Sunday would be the earliest he might go home and although we are very disappointed, we know that going home too soon would not be good.
This is starting to feel like the end of a marathon. We know we've made it this far and there's only a little farther to go but every single moment is a struggle and the finish line is nowhere in sight. For those still praying, please pray we find the strength to go the distance. And please pray that my kids somehow find comfort in the moments we are separated from them.
23 comments:
hi steve and beth! i think your kids will grow into strong and confident adults having witnessed what their parents are going through. sorry to hear that you aren't getting out of there this week but it is best to be in the hospital until they are sure you are ready. you certainly don't want to go home and then have to return to the hospital. maybe you could get journals for the kids and get them to write about their feelings each day. that could be very therapeutic. i told our 90 year old great aunt who is a nun in cork, ireland about you and she is praying for you. i think at her age and being a nun for her whole life, her prayers are very special! hang in there guys! joyce
Your husband and your family are in my prayers. Thanks for sharing with us Steve's progress in getting well.
John
Sister, remember when we used to run together down the long stretch in huntington beach and we discovered that as soon as we found our rhythm and settled into our stride we could run for days. Today I pray that you all find the rhythm in your days and let the love and healing that surrounds you carry you to the finish line. I can see it. It's right around the corner. Home is just days away. Your babies are always in my prayers. If you need me to bring my crew up for distraction, just let me know. I'll be there in a flash with cousins and extra hugs! And Steve...I hardly know what to say. You are a hero to all of us. We love you so much and miss you terribly! Love you both!! Juli
thank you both so much for sharing your feelings and steve's progress. i just saw your link on LAN yesterday. i teared up as i was reading your blog...made me think how fragile life is. both my husband and i work for the department. we just had a baby girl a year ago. i can't imagine what you, steve and the kids are going through. my life flash before my eyes as i was reading...how much pain (physical/emotional) both of you are going thru and are sharing. please continue to have faith and love...be strong for each other and the kids. you and your husband are a great team, TOGETHER. you need him as much as he needs you. don't let frustration and stress get to you. when that happens or if you have a bad day...take a deep breath and close your eyes. things will get better and HE will take care of you. may GOD bring both of you and your family much love, strength, wisdom and peace to go through this very tough time in your life.
thank you both for sharing your stories! i called my husband (who was at work) right after i finished reading your blog and i told him how much i love him (even tho i tell him that all the time)...that call was extra special because of both of you...
continue to take care of each other. beth, hang in there for steve and the kids and steve, hang in there and don't ever give up! take it slow and one day at a time...you will get better!
Dear Beth and Steve,
Sometimes when I read this blog it is almost surreal, like it's not really you guys going through this. I think to myself, "Didn't we just do this with Beth? How can this be happening again?" When it sinks in everytime that it really is you- our family- the ache sets in. We love you so much and we, as with so many others, wish we could take some of this hurt from you. The fact is that the empathy pains that we feel so strongly for you are nothing compared to what you are experiencing and yet you press on. You are both my heros; for the strength you've mustered up to get through your individual challenges, for the love and dedication that you have given to each other throughout it all, and for the faith that you have developed through the tragedies that has been an inspiration to so many. When I read all the comments from all of the people who love you both and know how amazing you are, I am humbled: I have the honor of calling you family.
Michael and I have made a decision that we wanted to share with you, and this is as good of a place as any! Steven, you are a hero to your community, an inspiration to MANY, and a cherished treasure to our family. We want to honor you and who you are, which is why, when we welcome your baby nephew to this world this summer he will be given the name John Steven. We love you and we are honored to have the opportunity to carry your name on in our family. It brings me such joy to imagine the day I get to place him in your arms and he can look into the eyes of a hero.
Love and big hugs to you both.
I can't even imagine the toll this is taking on the your entire family; physically, emotionally and mentally. You are doing a great job communicating with the kids about what is happening, even though I am sure at times it is exhausting. I loved the idea of journals for the kids cause (I hate to admit it) your son is right... "This sucks" and it's just his way of expressing what is sure to be frustration and an amazing sense of loss (as you have said loss of time with you both and just a change in routine). Keep getting the rest when you can as I am sure you know how critical it is for getting through the day. YOU ARE STRONG and you and the family are in my prayers continually. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
STEVE! Sounds like your healing great! All the Metro runs and workouts are paying off!
I hope you get to go home soon, although I can't imagine you will getting too much rest with the kids running around, fighting over toys and stealing cookies! I am sure they will be welcome sounds!
Anyhow, I wish you the best! My wife is packing up our pop-up camper and we are heading to Carpenteria for the weekend with our two boys. It's funny, when your a kid, camping is a blast, but when your a parent getting all the camping stuff set up is freaking work!!!!
take care my friend!!!
Sergeant Andy Garcia
Hello Steve and Beth! The hubby and I are just really enjoying reading your blog and watching the incredible progress Steve has made. I know he will be home in no time at all and everyone will rest easy. Besides, the kids love having auntie Chris around to spoil them so another week with her shouldn't be too torturous :D
We all miss your faces around school
Love & Prayers
Kristy
As much as the kids miss you guys, I know that they understand that their dad needs you right now and that you are keeping him company and helping him heal so he can come home. What a great example you are setting for them of the love and commitment of a strong marriage. They will always have that, long after this is a distant memory. You are giving new meaning to this season's message of 'He is Risen'. We will pray for a Sunday homecoming, and know that it will be soon if not then.
Beth and Steve,
Continued prayers for your strength. Beth, I remember 10+ years ago watching your courage on the streets and admired your strength as an officer. Reading your blog reminds me of what a strong woman you are. Please know I am praying for Steve's continued progression and strength for your family.
Kim P.
I am floored by the story of your recovery and by your family's openness to share it with the rest of us. I'd been searching for updates through the various news outlets but came up dry until the League included this link with one of their emails. My wife and I are both dog lovers and her favorites of my stories are about seeing K9s in the garage after EOW. We're praying for a quick recovery for you and your family, and for a reunion with Rocco soon. A quote from Chief Beck comes to mind, "even heroes have heroes." You and your family are an inspiration to everyone in uniform.
Tim
LAPD Reserve Corps - CENT
Steve, I don't know if you remember me, but we worked together at Harbor Div for a little while until you went to Metro. I can't even image how hard it is for you and your wife to not be around your young kids all the time. The pictures with you and your kids brought tears to my eyes. My thoughts are with you and your entire family and hoping that you will be able to go home VERY shortly.
Tracie Noggle
Steve and Beth,
I know so many others have said it...but again, THANK YOU for this blog. It is a constant reminder to all who read it, that your your struggles haven't ended just because you don't see your story on the news anymore.
Steve, for you: "When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."" - Anonymous
Keep fighting...you will get through this.
And Beth for you: "There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity." ~Washington Irving, The Sketch Book, 1820
Steve,
I would like to share a quick story with you. A few years back I was sitting in roll call, when my partner, decided to tell everyone a story about mindset, (lets see if I can say it as he did). "When I go running, I play out many scenarios that could happen at work in my head. I play every one of them from start to finish, running every possible option, and outcomes good and bad." He continued to say "You have to play them like a movie, start to finish, but no matter what happens in your story, you always come out the winner, going home".
If you haven't figured it out Steve, you were the one that told that story. So holding true to your story, you are a winner, and going home. Stay strong!!!!!!
I love you like the big brother I never wanted...
Walter...
You and your family are in our prayers.
Walter and Dawna.
Steve, you and all your family will be in our prayers. Your strength and love is an amazing example of how wonderful your entire family is. I have "worked" with Steve on perimeters and know him from those experiences and can tell you in the short time spent with him that he is an incredible person who I truly admire. I know he will continue to get better and I will pray for your children during this time of great stress. I know one thing for sure, your foundation as a family will be your children's guiding light and the love you share with give them the strength to overcome. You all are our heros and will continue to be in my family's prayers now and forever. May peace be with you and I hope that your entire family feels just how loved you all are.
Hi Steve and Beth, I don't know if either of you remember me, but I was the Property Officer at the Harbor when Steve was there and I'm one of the Property Officers currently assigned to 77th. Steve I will you a speedy and full recovery. Beth I pray for your continued strength. I will keep you both and your family in my prayers. Stay strong, that finish line is just up ahead.
Property Officer
Sheila Woods
Beth,
Not that long ago while I was a P1 working Central I remember seeing you with a triple stroller and thinking to myself "How in the world does she do it?" a mother of three babies AND a great street cop!? As I moved on in my career I never forgot about you. I would reflect back to your courage and think about the few times I had the privilege in working with you. Here we are, five years later.... nothing has changed, your courage still lives on. I am overwhelmed with emotions every time I read one of your posts. Having a husband on the job and being pregnant with our first baby reminds me that we should all be grateful for the love we have in our lives. I pray that Steve finds the gift in all of this but I have a feeling he already has, that gift being you. He will heal physically with technology and great doctors but he can only heal emotionally with the love and strength you are providing him. Continue this journey knowing you have all the respect and support from your family in blue.
Beth,
Not that long ago while I was a P1 working Central I remember seeing you with a triple stroller and thinking to myself "How in the world does she do it?" a mother of three babies AND a great street cop!? As I moved on in my career I never forgot about you. I would reflect back to your courage and think about the few times I had the privilege in working with you. Here we are, five years later.... nothing has changed, your courage still lives on. I am overwhelmed with emotions every time I read one of your posts. Having a husband on the job and being pregnant with our first baby reminds me that we should all be grateful for the love we have in our lives. I pray that Steve finds the gift in all of this but I have a feeling he already has, that gift being you. He will heal physically with technology and great doctors but he can only heal emotionally with the love and strength you are providing him. Continue this journey knowing you have all the respect and support from your family in blue.
PII Erika (Cruz) Kirk
Hi Steve and Beth,
Ruth and I along with a whole lot of prayer partners continue to keep both of you in our prayers. We are asked each time we are at church (and other places where we meet friends) how Steve and you are doing and we use your blog to keep everyone up with the latest developments. We will continue to pray for steady progress for Steve, patience and understanding for those things that cause you, Beth, concerns and for prayers for your 3 children that they will see the Dad again real soon. What a great Easter gift it would be if Steve would be able to go home on Easter Sunday. God has definately had His arms around both of you through all of this time of fear and concern and He is hearing the prayers being offered. We look forward to the blogs on a daily basis, but understand that the blog is a secondary concern through all of this. Know that along with the prayers, we send our love and best wishes for a steady recovery and all those little miracles that happen each day of the recovery. Ron and Ruth
Hi Steve, This is Cardona C Team. Since you are regularly reading this, I just wanted to let you know that we are all thinking and praying for you. This blog is such a great idea for letting us know how you are doing. The photos are a good way to see how much progress you are doing. Take care buddy. Cardona C Team.
I found this quote that seems fitting-
This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”
Hi guys! Thank you so much for keeping us posted with this blog. Although so many are praying constantly it helps to know what specifically to pray for. You both are such amazing people and like what many have said your children are going to grow up to be exceptional people with gigantic hearts because of you both and everything they have been through. I pray that time will fly these days until Steve can go home and your family can be whole again.
Take care and hang in there.
God bless you both.
Michelle
Beth/Steve, as you hang on every last comment from us we eagerly await your blogs for new info.
I woke up at 4:45 this morning; of course 30 minutes before the alarm went off and went right to the computer next to my bed. I read you blog, put something on Netflix and lay back down with thoughts going through my head. I was trying to put myself in your shoes, Steve’s shoes, the kids shoes, and wrestled with “what would I do, what are they feeling deep inside?”
That thought process took me back to church days 20 years ago when Huntington Beach was under the irreplaceable Rev Peggy Bassett. She was struck with Lou Gehrig’s disease at the height of her ministry, and we watched this disease slowly take her from us. In the midst of this, she shared that her greatest desire in life was to “have a closer walk with spirit, and I have”. At that time I could not even grasp what that meant or felt like. How could she feel this when her life was being slowly taken from her when it seemed she had so much more to do?
Now after sharing your journey, I might have a small (very small) understanding of this.
Reading your blogs, the comments people wrote, and seeing your children Sunday has shown me that the love and prayers you rec’d, and the sharing from your soul, is so vitally important. That is something I would have never seen if you hadn’t opened your experience with us. For this I have no words. No words to express my feelings when reading your thoughts. No words for the aching in our hearts we feel of what Steve is going through. Crystal told me that this experience has changed her deeply. From an 18 year old, that is amazing. Feeling “love” at such a deep level is maybe taking a “closer walk with spirit”. I’m certainly not qualified to make that call but I can see that it might be possible.
As you and Steve walk with spirit and take us along, please believe me when I say that we share about this daily. You have come into our lives through this like I never imagined. Crystal and I have very clear pictures in our minds of looking out on the congregation from up front, singing the peace song, and seeing the two of you there.
We look forward to the day when we see you there again.
Barbara, Crystal and Arthur.
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