Saturday, April 30, 2011
It's Late, I'm a Little Crazy and This Post Isn't About Steve
I don't know if it's the coffee I'm drinking that's making me feel a little manic, but I am wide awake and the rest of my family is sleeping. It's almost midnight and this time is like the quiet time I had in the hospital when Steve was sleeping, minus the alarm bells of IV machines and humming of blood pressure cuffs. I'm having one of those moments I have every so often, mostly at night, when the events of the last three plus weeks are settling into my mind, making themselves at home there, and I'm uncomfortable in my skin. The discomfort I feel is like an itch, an irritating itch that's keeping me awake when I'd much rather be asleep. I'd so much rather be relaxed and okay, yet I'm restless and weary and I just want my life back the way it used to be. I'm so well aware that there are thousands upon millions of people whose lives are unbearable who would give anything to be in my shoes. I know this and I should be grateful (which I really am) and yet I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm tired and I just want my husband back. I want my kids to feel safe and I want to not have to make so many important decisions and I just miss Steve. I know I have him and thank God for that, but I miss hugging him and not having those metal rods between us. I'd give anything to feel that wirey, scruffy stubble that I used to complain was too prickly against the skin of my cheek. Why am I learning this lesson again? Why am I being forced to find another new normal? I've tried to stop asking why but in the crazier moments, that is the only thing I want to ask. And I never seem to get any answers to the question, "Why?"
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12 comments:
hi guys! i don't think there is an answer to that question just yet. i do think you will find the answer eventually, but sometimes it takes a long time to figure out "why". i also think the ups and downs are part of the normal healing process. it takes a long time to wrap your head around an event such as this. i think it hits in waves. don't lose sight of what an incredible job you have all done thus far! joyce
Hi Beth,
I don't even know what to say! I agree with Joyce that you will find the answer when the time is right. Do take time for yourself when you can so you can heal from all this as well. You are such an amazing woman and have handled this journey with Steve as well as your own with such grace and strength and have inspired so many. Hang in there and I am continuing to ask God for healing for your entire family.
Love,
Michelle
PS I showed my dad the interview on CBS last week. It brought him to tears and he sends his love.
Sister, For the past 13 years Domenic has traveled for business and practically every time he leaves something happens. The toilets back up. The sprinkler breaks. The back door lock falls out in my hands at 9 p.m. A lizard is loose in the house, etc.(And those are just the most recent incidents.) I used to think "Why? Why do these things happen when he leaves?" Finally, I realized that they happen when he is home too but my expectation is different when he leaves. When he's gone, I used to expect everything to go smoothly, no disruptions, no challenges, no changes. This last trip I decided to change my expectation; to know that I can handle anything that comes up. When the hot water heater broke, I said to myself "I can handle this." Then I started embracing other opportunities. I got the oven fixed and got rid of the fish tank. I was strong and capable, no longer buying into victim thinking. As I look back on all the mishaps I handled over the years, I realize how much stronger and wiser I am. I learned so much more when I had to handle them myself. Most importantly, I learned that there are people I can call for help: friends, family, plumbers :o). I'm not alone. Now, I know what you are dealing with is so much bigger than household challenges, but I think the lesson might be the same or at least similar. I know you are strong enough and wise enough to handle anything and I'm certain that the things you are learning will serve you now and in the future. Today, I will know for you that you find the perspective and clarity you need to handle anything that comes your way, an understanding that calms your heart and mind. I love you! xxxxoooo
I looked back on this post and contemplated deleting it altogether. It's such a "poor me" post and honestly, I only feel that way 2% of the time. But after reading the comments on this, I'm so glad I didn't delete. Sister, how do do that? How do you say things so perfectly?! I'm grateful for all the words of wisdom from every single comment. Thank you.
Beth, please keep in mind that some folks wallow in the "why?" for years and years after less traumatic events. With all you've been through, it has been rare if ever that you've gone there, so you are more than entitled to a few midnight hours!
I agree about Juli! Is she in the mental health profession? Her posts are always so cognitively recharging. Definitely a second career option for that girl if not the first!
I envy how richly your family lives each and every day, and I'm just so happy that you all have each other. Praying for much laughter in your home. I know there will be challenges mental and physical, but now that he is home with all of you, the minute by minute closeness to funny, happy moments with all of you will continue to buoy his spirits and speed his full recovery even moreso.
Continued Love and Healing,
Jen
Hi Beth,
I worked with Steve years ago at OWB Crash, and was in K9 but was promoted and left prior to his arrival in the unit. I LOVE soup and have a bunch of great recipies! I would love to cook some up and bring it by, I am sure you have your hands full with Steve, the kids and all the other things you have to do to keep the house up and running. Email me at ginaholmstrom@yahoo.com
Take care!
Gina Holmstrom
Sergeant, Rampart GED
Hi Beth,
I dont know you and you dont know me-but I have seen your smiling face around the station a million times. Usually on your way to use the eliptical machine or the stairmaster....you brighten my day with a friendly "HI!". I started reading your post because I wanted to see how your husband was doing, yet it really has found a new meaning for me. You are such an amazing role model. I respect you as a police officer, cancer surviver, mother, wife, caretaker....the list could go on for hours. I finally decided to post a response, because when you are asking "why", I hope you find some comfort in the fact that you are a role model to people you dont even know. I appreciate your openness, and gentle way that (through this blog) you have allowed so many of us into your personal life. You are an amazing role model. Reading your posts makes me cry, laugh, and empathize each time. My words dont seem strong enough to express the amount of respect and graditude I have for your sharing..... you are touching the lifes of many people who you may never even meet.... I wish your husband a speedy recovery, your children peace and comfort, and I hope all of your "whys" are answered......
with much respect....
From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You've expressed yourself beautifully and I am honored beyond measure. When I come back to work from this experience, please stop me in the hall and introduce yourself. I can't wait give you a great big hug and say thank you in person my friend.
Beth ~
After reading your blog and the comments...I'm glad you didn't delete this one. Thanks for your raw honesty!
When you asked the question "why" it made me think back to a very good family friend of ours who was battling lymphoma. People had asked Tom if he asked "why"...he said at first he did ask "why" and then changed his way of thinking to "why not me?". He was a very strong Christian man like Steve with a very strong Christian family like yours....Tom's reasoning....Perhaps God choose him to be the warrior in that battle because He knew Tom had an extraordinary support system who would help him through those times of asking "why". I have NO DOUBT that God knows that the Jenkins family are incredibly strong warriors...from the youngest to the oldest.....He's chosen you for this battle....and you are continuing to prove you are conquering the challenge!!
Prayers are STILL coming your way from Chicago...and will continue!!
Jenn
You are so eloquent in your messages and honest with your feelings, I think you should write a book. My first day back at work after the weekend I check your blog. Sometimes my eyes well up but mostly I get strength from you and even though I believe in living life to the fullest you make me believe it when I am down.
Your Friend Forever,
Peat
Hey sister!! You may never know the real anwer to WHY, it will be shown or explained within many areas of your life. Pieces of that ultimate question will affect your family, friends, Steve and your future. You need to feel the low points, you are entitled. You will enjoy the high points so much more when you allow yourself to feel the pain!! You are strong, full of love and a true role model. Im so proud to be a part of your life :)
It may seem so at time but GOD will never give you more than you can handle. I thank and trust HIM everyday for everything he does and has done. Just know that prayers continue for all of you.
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