Steven had a small step backward today. Last night when the nurse gave him two Ambien, he started dozing off before the nurse was even done cleaning his mouth. I was so relieved that he appeared to be in for a good night's sleep. But about a half hour later, he woke up with what I'll just call "stomach issues." The dreaded stomach issues kept him awake all night long. When the doctor came in early this morning, the nurse briefed him on the night's events and the doctor ordered tests to determine if Steven had contracted a bacteria in his GI tract called "C-Diff." Basically when an immunocompromised person is on heavy antibiotics, the good bacteria in the GI tract is eliminated and the very resistant bad bacteria can grow and cause intestinal complications. So the doctor ordered Steven into isolation which meant we had to wear gowns and gloves when in Steven's room and we had to follow a certain protocol for handwashing.
Before he was ordered into isolation, Steven met with the physical therapist. Despite nodding off in mid sentence, Steven went for a walk with all the machines in tow. He walked out of his room to the door of the next room and back. The walking, as well as getting rid of some of the machines and tubes, is a huge step toward going home. Unfortunately, Steven still has both chest tubes and the larger trach tube which we had hope would be replaced with a smaller one today. Dr. Hanpeter said that would happen tomorrow instead. I'm not sure if Steven is still on track to possibly go home on Thursday or Friday. Dr. Hanpeter had to get to Holy Cross Hospital and didn't have a chance to discuss Steven's progress. Luckily we found out late today that Steve did not have "C-Diff" so he is no longer in isolation.
As I was leaving the hospital today, I felt so sorrowful. I felt as though my heart was being pulled in two different directions. I hated to leave Steven there without me to look after him and make sure he had everything he needed. But I just had to get home to the kids so they could see me and feel me and know that I was still there for them too. It's hard being constantly torn like that. So as I drove home I couldn't help but feel a little selfish. For that 30 minute drive, I was allowed to just be there for myself. I had thirty minutes to sink into the driver's seat in more ways than one and I gave myself permission to enjoy that time. I cried, I sang to myself, I thought about what could possibly be the gift in all of this. Then when I got home, I put on my mom hat and started all over again.
7 comments:
I dont know Steve or you, his wife... nor have i had the pleasure of meeting your children.... but i admire you all. Since this incident i come home every night from work and ask my husband, "do you want to read the blog with me?" he always said , "yes"... we have learned so much from you two and from your family ...we pray for a speedy recovery and for strength for your family to help you through this.
Sister, a very wise woman (you!) told me when I got married to make sure that I remember to take time to take care of myself. As a still relatively new mommy I am realizing just how difficult that is to do and why you made it a point to give me that piece of advice. I had a yucky day yesterday, (literally, with Marlee throwing her poopy diaper on the floor!) and, at the end of it I decided to take your wise advice and forget about the millions of things I needed to get done, and instead just lay on the bed and read a magazine. It has been a LONG time since I've done that and I'm so grateful that I did because I feel so refreshed this morning. All that to say, that I am so glad you had your 30 minutes of you-in-the-driver's-seat time. You are amazing and strong, and so very loved. Remember to take your own advice on occassion in order to keep on keepin' on!
Give Steve a big kiss on the cheek for me and tell him I love him!
Love you! Keira
Beth,
Keira is right you have to take time for yourself... and it's not selfish. It's human nature... you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.... One day at a time.... and soon this will all be over.
Always praying for you guys,
Jenny :)
Dearest Beth,
I know so many of us would love to take this from you for a while, and give you a "time out" to rest. A walk outside, or a few moments in the chapel can help to restore you- and let the prayers and the love from all of us wash over you. I see you, Steve and the children enveloped in a cloak of Light and Love - it is from all the prayers and good thoughts that are sent your way, and the Divine Grace that surrounds you.. God is in charge - so you don't have to hold on so tight.
You are loved.
Peggy
You are anything but selfish and you should never ever let that thought cross your mind.
You are a loving and caring wife and a loving and caring mother and loving and caring communit person(as a police officer) who has and continues to do nothing but give of yourself to everyone.... but yourself.
Take a few deep breaths, make yourself walk in a beautiful garden and really see and smell the flowers.
Think for just a split second of how much worse this already tragic even could have been.
Then repeat the breaths, the beautiful flowers and smile and remember that you and your family are those beautiful flowers.
We are all praying for you and Steve and your family and for the day that you all will be able to think of this time as a distant awful event as you are all together happy and healthy again.
Beth
For all you and your family have gone through, I admire all your strength and positive attitude. My prayers go out to you, your children and to steve. Continue to be as positive as you can, things can hopefully only look up. God Bless
Your old partner
Paul Valencia
Steve and Beth,
I myself do not know either of you, but reading your blog hits home, and makes us all realize what a truly hard position you have both been put in. You are both tremendously strong people with a ton of people out here wishing you and your family well. All of our hearts and prayers are with you and rooting for the day you go home!! It looks like that will be soon hopefully!
Bless you and your family
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