Looking Forward to What's Next

I haven't posted anything new in a while because things haven't changed much. Although the recovery from surgery has been long and difficult, I am getting stronger everyday. I think the fact that I'm not facing anymore chemotherapy has done wonders for my overall outlook so even when I am exhausted (which seems like all the time), I feel very positive. Steve's mom is here helping us so she has taken the burden of household chores from me. Because of that I've been able to concentrate on the kids and their needs, especially school stuff. I am so grateful for her and everything she does for us.

I am still trying to come to terms with what being "done with treatment" acutally means. I am so relieved to be "cancer free" but at the same time I am afraid to stray too far from being a patient. I have been super strict about what I allow myself to eat for fear that any sugar, preservatives, or all the other bad stuff will trigger a relapse. And every twinge or pain I feel, I find myself wondering what it means. Just today I received something in the mail about heart disease and how it's the silent killer and my first thought was that I should make an appointment to have my heart checked out. I guess I'm a little paranoid. But Dr. McNamara said that would happen and it's normal to feel that way. I think I will be able to relax a little when I have another scan.

In the meantime, I tell anyone who asks that my life is forever changed in the best way possible from this whole experience. I am thankful for the smallest things. Yesterday the kids and I displayed our Halloween decorations and they were SO excited. I was so grateful to be here for that.

Moving On

I have great news that I've been wanting to share since last Wednesday but I've been holding off in an effort to find the exact words. I had an appointment last Wednesday with my oncologist, Dr. McNamara, my hero. Steve made the appointment because we had the ominous prospect of the next dreaded round of chemotherapy looming over us. And everytime Steve wanted to talk to me about it, I told him I wasn't ready. I didn't want to sacrifice the positive, healing thoughts I was trying so hard to hold onto everyday and contaminate them with poisonous, toxic thoughts of chemotherapy. I told Steve that whatever Dr. McNamara decided in regard to my ongoing treatment, I would do. Dr. McNamara got me this far so I would put all my faith in him (and God of course). However, I've been praying since July 29th that I would never have to endure another round of chemo.

Mom and Dad went with us to the appointment. After everything we've all been through, I think they were as desperate as we were to have answers. We all wanted to know where we were headed. We waited in the examination room for Dr. McNamara. While waiting, the nurse took my blood pressure and pulse which were normal. I had so many issues with my BP and pulse in the last seven weeks that we were all happy to see normal numbers for a change. When the doctor came in, he seemed a little surprised to see me but when Steve explained why we were there, he was nothing but understanding. He seemed to truly understand our need for him to clarify what was next. But before I let him speak, I had to plead my case. I explained that I really didn't want to do anymore chemo and I couldn't understand why I would even need anymore chemo if the cancer they knew was there had been removed. Then I crossed my fingers and held my breath when it was his turn to tell me what treatment I needed next.

He agreed with me! He said that I've had 7 rounds of chemo which, in theory, should be enough to kill any microscopic cancer. He explained that if the microscopic cancer was not eliminated with 7 rounds of chemo then there was no evidence to suggest that it would be eliminated if I had 5 more rounds. Basically, now we wait and see what happens next. And if I remain cancer free for 5 years then they will consider me cured. So I'm done. I'M DONE!!! I will have scans every six months in the beginning and taper off to yearly scans. And I will always have yearly colonoscopies.

We left the appointment not knowing what to say or what to think. We were definitely happy for sure. We were ecstatic and grateful to say the least. But I think we're all still in shock in some ways. This has been our way of life for the last nine months...surgeries, doctor's appointments, infusions, more surgeries. Steve's mom and my mom and dad lived with us more than they lived in their own homes. And now the doctor was saying it was over. He said, "You did beautifully. In the beginning we could have only hoped we'd end up here." I battled and battled. And now the battle is over. Even as my fingers type the words I can't believe it.

I'm afraid to say I've won the battle for fear I will appear too arrogant. If no one hears me knock on wood what will happen? I'm afraid I will lose sight of where I've been, or forget how grateful I've been for all the miracles, for this miracle. There's a lot of fear that comes with being done with treatment. Steve feels it too. We ran into the kids' pediatrician, Dr. G., the one who battled breast cancer a year ago. She never tells people she beat her cancer. Instead she says she's done with treatment and her doctor will be monitoring her closely. I think I will just say I'm done. That was something I did. I battled cancer and I'm done with that and now it's time to move on.

Slow Progress and First Day of Kindergarten

Hey Everyone! For the first time in a long time I find myself without words. I've had a chance to read through all the blog entries which Mike wrote and every single comment from everyone who commented and I am deeply humbled and completely overwhelmed by your love and support.

First I have to give huge praise to Mike. I knew I picked the right man for the job! I am extremely grateful for all the work he put into the blog and amazed by his incredible talent. He's back to work now so that's why we haven't heard from him and he has exciting news that he agreed to let me share with all of you. He and his wonderful wife, Keira, found out recently that they are expecting their first child! And in the same week they were also notified that the offer they made on a home (short sale of course...Keira is an AMAZING deal finder) was accepted and they are buying their first house! I can't imagine two more deserving people receiving such an abundance of great happenings. Thanks Mike for your work on the blog and CONGRATULATIONS!

Now, how do I begin to thank you all for your prayers, support, and love that has made this recovery process bearable?! I am truly indebted to you all because the thoughts and the prayers worked and continue to work everyday. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.

I know I have made progress, but this recovery process is a thousand times harder than I could've ever prepared myself for and I cry a lot throughout the day. Luckily there is very little pain but the extreme fatigue makes it hard to even lift my head sometimes. I also still have quite a bit of nausea which I am hoping will subside soon. Because of the fatigue and the nausea, I went to the doctor last week because we were fearful that my hemoglobin had dropped again. I had a blood test which showed all levels were normal. The doctor explained that the fatigue is a result of the intense chemotherapy I received during the surgery. When I look back to where I've been I know I've come a long way but there are times when I feel so hopeless, like I'll never feel normal again.

Today was the kids' first day of kindergarten. I wasn't going to miss it for anything so I gathered all the strength I could muster and went to the school with the rest of my family. I thought I had prepared myself emotionally for this day. I mean, the kids had already gone to pre-school so I really thought this would be no different. We arrived at school and the kids were directed to hang their backpacks on the nearby hooks and then play on the playground until the bell rang. We parents watched as our kids quickly began making new friends. Then the bell rang. My kids froze in place and just stood there not knowing what to do. Then the teachers began corralling the kids and directing them toward the classrooms. Before lining up at the classroom door, my kids came up to give us hugs and kisses before starting their day. That's when I almost lost it but I knew if I began to cry, my kids wouldn't want to leave me. So I pushed back the tears and put on my happiest face. They seemed excited and eager until Kylie came back to me and hugged me again. She wouldn't let go and I could tell by the solemn look on her face she was uncertain about all of this. She said, "I'm going to miss you Mommy." So I gave her one last great big hug, told her I'd be back to get her soon, and then brought Janie over to hold her hand and be with her. I told them to stick together. The two girls walked hand in hand and got in line and the teacher made an announcement, "Ok kids, everyone blow your mommies and daddies a kiss and say goodbye." All 24 kids did just that and off they went into the classroom. We parents all looked so goofy peering through the window to get one last look. We left and I've been crying off and on all day. I keep looking at the clock to see if I can go pick them up but time seems to be standing still in so many ways...

More Progress

Yesterday Beth had her doctor's appointment at the City of Hope. The wife and I went up to Long Beach to babysit the triplets while Beth and Steve were gone. I'd spoken on the phone with Beth the day before and she didn't sound good. The fatigue was audible and her spirits were low, so I was preparing myself to see the worst. It turns out that wasn't necessary. She looked great! Apart from the pic line hanging from her arm, she looked as good as she did before the big surgery. Her energy seemed pretty good, and if not for a meltdown from one of the triplets I'm sure her spirits would have been good as well. After a few hours they returned and Beth plopped down on the couch. The trip had pretty much drained her, but she was able to sit and chat for a while. The doctors removed the pic line, which both Beth and Steve were excited about. Apparently, the pumps for the pic line are quite noisy, and if the line gets kinked or the battery is low an alarm will go off which makes for a long and sleepless night. Her incision is healing very well and is not giving her any trouble at all. Mostly, she is struggling with terrible fatigue and nausea.

Slow Going

Well, it's been a few days and Beth is finding the whole recovery process to be agonizingly slow. She's still eating and keeping everything down, but her energy is low. She just wants to feel normal, and because she doesn't she is very emotional. She has an appointment with Dr. Paz this coming Thursday. Hopefully between now and then her body will cooperate a little bit.

On the Road Again

I spoke with Beth a few minutes ago as she and Steve drove home from the hospital. It was great to hear her voice was back to normal. It seems the recovery is finally progressing. Yesterday she sat outside with Steve while he had lunch. This morning as Beth returned to her room from a test Steve sent a text to my parents saying, "She is hell on wheels about going home." The doctors gave her some new meds for anxiety and blood pressure, and told her that if the fluid became a problem again she could go to the City of Hope's 24-hour clinic to have it drained. They also said they'd like to see her start eating a bit, so on the way home they picked up a burrito. She ate about half the burrito, and was feeling good enough that she considered going to the kids' swim lesson later today. Steve put the kibosh on that one though.

Back on the Up and Up

I just got some encouraging news. Beth is looking good and feeling better. Earlier today her hemoglobin count was very low, so she received four units of blood. The nurse said that wasn't unusual for patients that receive chemotherapy. Apparently the chemo wreaks havoc on the red blood cells. Her color is back, and her face isn't puffy like it was. She's alert and able to hold a conversation. At one point she asked the nurse for something to eat. The doctor gave the o.k., so the nurse gave her crackers and a nutritional drink called Boost. Beth was able to keep it all down, and even felt good enough to go on two walks with Steve and two walks with Mom. She got a bit anxious and uncomfortable in the afternoon, so the nurse gave her a mild sedative.


For those keeping score at home, this is the fifth room for Beth at City of Hope. Ever the advocate, Steve let it be known to the nurse that he didn't want her moved all over creation like last time. The nurse didn't make any promises, but I'm sure she got the message.

Back in the Hospital

Before her surgery Beth was told that her recovery would be long and difficult, and that's proving to be true. After the nurse set up all the home equipment, she trained Steve to take over the nursing duties and said she would be coming back weekly to check on Beth. Meanwhile, Beth struggled to get comfortable while battling nausea and the pressure created by the excess fluid. She wasn't able to do much of anything except watch a little television. She managed to get one good night of sleep, but she tossed and turned the other nights. Yesterday evening Steve called the City of Hope's 24-hour nursing hotline because Beth's blood pressure and pulse shot up significantly. They instructed him to bring her to the hospital. After hanging up, the hospital called back a few minutes later and told Steve that Beth was in danger of having a stroke and instructed him to call 911 to get her to the nearest hospital. Me-Mom took the kids to get an ice cream, and once they had left Steve called 911. The paramedics arrived and agreed that Beth's blood pressure was high. In the emergency room the doctors did a scan and then removed three containers of fluid from her. They told Steve that they couldn't remove more because it would be too much of a shock to Beth's body. She needed to be admitted, and Steve decided that she should be taken to the City of Hope. Beth was driven by ambulance back to where she started. Steve stayed with her until about 4 a.m. and then made his way home so he could be there when the kids woke up. He'll be back at the hospital later this morning. I'll pass along more information as it comes in. Keep those positive thoughts and prayers coming.

Finally at Home

Last night while dealing with her discomfort, Beth decided she wanted to come home. The ride home was the longest she'd been upright since before the surgery, and completely wiped her out. At the moment she's in her own bed with an iced tea, waiting for some medical equipment to arrive. A nurse will be there to get everything set up for her and to hook up her nutrition bag.

Earlier in the day the lab results came back for the fluid that was drained from Beth's abdomen. The fluid was not lymphatic, and it was determined to be the fluid your body produces when trauma occurs. Draining the fluid only prompts the body to produce more, so she'll just have to wait it out. Hopefully, being at home will speed up the process.

A Lot of Fluid

There was a lot of activity yesterday at the City of Hope. Beth has been dealing with a lot of discomfort due to the swelling in her abdomen. In the morning the doctors scheduled a CT scan to get a better idea of what was going on inside of her. While she waited they removed her IV and put in a PIC line to give her nourishment. They took her for the scan and realized just how much fluid she was dealing with. On the scale it amounts to about an extra 50 pounds. They were a little surprised by the amount, and one of the doctors said she'd thought Beth just had a pear-shaped body. Beth was wheeled back to her room where they performed a procedure to aspirate some of the fluid from her abdomen. They drained about a liter and a half and took it to be analyzed. Those results should be in today. Afterward Beth was resting more comfortably.

Good News, Bad News

The old cliche makes an appearance. Dr. Paz visited today with both the good and the bad news. The good news is that of the 50-plus lymph nodes removed during the surgery only two were cancerous. The bad news is that the area the lymph nodes were taken from is continuing to ooze fluid. According to the doctor this is normal, but Beth will remain in the hospital until at least Friday. Her IV is being put back in and will be her only source of nourishment for about a month. Even though the eating and drinking has been suspended, Beth continues to take her daily walks to help her body remove the excess fluid. Fortunately, these walks are the only way she will see more of the facilities, as it appears the hospital room tour has ended.

Jumping the Gun

Unfortunately, we jumped the gun a bit. Beth will be staying in the hospital longer than previously thought. There is fluid buildup in her abdomen that is causing some discomfort and some breathing issues. The buildup is significant enough that the kids asked if mommy was pregnant. The doctors reassured her that this is normal considering the trauma her body has been through. Her goals for today are to keep the pain under control, go for 4 walks, and eat something. Everyone keep those positive thoughts coming.

Room #4 and a Visit From the Kids

By the time this is all said and done Beth will be able to write a guide book for future City of Hope patients. It seems they are intent on showing her every room in the hospital. After the last move she found herself in a one bed shack, but thanks to the nurse in charge she was moved (yet again) to something a little more spacious. The new room is big enough to accommodate both visitors and hospital staff, which makes it easier on everyone. And with the removal of some tubes, one from her nose and the other from her neck, Beth was feeling up to a visit from the kids this morning. Being the curious souls that they are, the kids had many questions about the remaining tubes and medical devices, and they wanted to touch everything. They also wanted to crawl into bed with mommy like at the hospital in Long Beach, but couldn't because of her incision. Apart from that, it didn't take long for them to get comfortable. It was a nice visit and everyone was happy.

After the kids left Beth took a little nap to rest up for her afternoon activity. One of the nurses informed her that she needed to do some "significant walking" to get her fluids moving. She still hasn't had any food or anything to drink, and won't until the doctors are satisfied that her stomach has healed. Two different nurses have given their opinion on when Beth may be discharged. The first thought it would be the middle of this coming week, while the second thought it would be Tuesday. Of course only the doctors know for sure, but the time is drawing near. At the very least they have the opportunity to move her three or four more times. Anyone want to make a bet?

The Latest

I apologize for the late update, but the wife and I took the triplets to the beach for a day of fun and sun. Apart from a broken beach umbrella and a broken beach chair, everything went well, but it does make me appreciate the great job Beth and Steve do day in and day out.

While we were doing that, Beth was continuing to make progress. She was moved once again. One of the nurses made an offhand remark that patients moved to that area of the hospital are getting ready to go home. None of the doctors have said anything about it, but it could be considered an encouraging sign. During the move Beth walked from her bed to the bed used to transport her, and she's able to get up and walk to the restroom when she needs to. Her epidural catheter came out, but the anesthesiologist decided not to put it back in. The new pain meds make her drowsy, but the nausea and dry heaves from the chemo are under control. Her eyes are still slightly puffy, but her color is better. Some signs of normalcy are starting to appear as well. Beth watched some Oprah and told Steve she wanted her cell phone. Overall, it was another good day.

If you haven't already, please make a comment in the Words of Encouragement post. I know Beth would love to hear from you. Thanks to those that have commented thus far.

Ahead of Schedule

All the positive thoughts and prayers are working. Beth is doing very well and is ahead of schedule. Mom and Dad were in the ICU this morning as Beth's doctors stopped in to monitor her. They were very happy with the results of the surgery and said that it puts her in a good position for her recovery and upcoming rounds of chemo. My wife and I visited later on in the day, and were pleased to see that Beth was conscious and lucid. She was experiencing nausea and dry heaves from the chemo. It was revealed by the doctors that she had received a chemo infusion before the chemo wash during surgery. Not only was it causing the nausea, but also some swelling around her eyes. Her ICU nurse came in while we were there and drew some blood to run her blood gasses. They were once again pleased with the results, and it was decided that she would be moved out of ICU ahead of schedule. Originally the doctors had prepared Beth and Steve for a 3 to 5 day stay in ICU. Leave it to Beth to do things her own way... At this point they are waiting for a bed to open up.

Words of Encouragement

Last night Steve mentioned how Beth would enjoy looking back on the posts to see what was happening while she was in surgery and the ICU. That gave me an idea, and I'd like to recruit all of you to give Beth a nice gift. I know it's a hassle to create an account so you can post a comment, so with password in hand I've opened up the comments to include anyone that would like to say a few words. No account necessary. For those of you that are technologically challenged, instructions are included below. Even though there is an option to post anonymously, I ask that you include your name so that Beth can see just how many of you are supporting her.

Comment Instructions:
1. At the bottom right side of the post click on the comments link. It will have a number followed by the word comments and looks like this: 0 comments
2. Type your comments in the space provided under "Leave your comment."
3. Choose your identity. If you have an account, you can log in. If not, select "Name/URL" and type your name. Don't worry about the URL, just leave it blank.
4. Click "PUBLISH YOUR COMMENT" and you're done.

A Final Gift To End The Night

Today was tough. We were the first to arrive and the last ones to leave, and in between we saw a lot of good people struggling with a terrible disease. As we revisited the details of the visit from Dr. Paz, the anesthesiologist came out to speak with Steve. He had nothing but good things to say, which only lifted our spirits even higher. Ever the advocate, Steve lobbied to get us all in to see Beth at the same time. It worked. The nurse came out to get us and led us back to the recovery room. Everything was very quiet as we walked in. There was Beth with all sorts of tubes and monitors sprouting from her. She was very groggy, but she looked good. The nurse assured us that she wasn't in any pain, and that she'd done very well. We didn't stay long, but we really enjoyed that small gift that the staff had given us.

Positive News

After a very long wait we finally had a visit from Dr. Paz. The surgery went well and they accomplished what they set out to do. They removed all the cancerous lymph nodes and couldn't find any additional cancer. This doesn't rule out the presence of microscopic cancer, however that's what the chemo wash was supposed to address. Beth is still in surgery and we won't be able to see her until she is moved to a recovery room later this evening. Overall, the outcome is very positive. Beth still has a long way to go, but we couldn't have asked for anything more tonight.

On To The Chemo Wash

Finally some news. Steve got a call a few minutes ago to update him on the progress of the surgery. Unfortunately they couldn't give him anything too specific, but at this point she's through the tumor removal and on to the chemo wash. I can't express how relieved we are to get some kind of an update. At this point we've been here at the hospital for 12 hours. Dr. Paz will be out in an hour or so to give us more information, and of course I'll post the information just as soon as we get it.

Still Waiting

Hey everyone. It's now 5:12 p.m. and we are still waiting for some kind of word. The doctor told Steve he would give him an update during surgery, but we have yet to hear anything. Let's hope no news is good news. I'd like to thank those members of the LAPD that came to the hospital to support Beth and Steve. I'll post again as soon as there is news.

Surgery Update

Well, it's been a long day so far and we are only about 2 hours into the surgery at the moment. We left Long Beach about 6 a.m. and were lucky enough to breeze up the 605 without any trouble. At about 6:50 we arrived at the City of Hope and Beth checked in. Shortly after that she was called back into pre-op. Steve was with her while they waited for Dr. Paz. For some reason they were running behind, so instead of being wheeled in at 9 o'clock sharp they didn't get her in until 11:40. Steve came out while they were giving Beth an epidural to fill us in on what was happening. Because of Beth's previous reaction to anesthesia it was decided she would have an epidural. The doctor explained that this would better allow them to control her post-op pain and would mean less intravenous anesthesia resulting in decreased nausea afterward. More to follow later on. Keep those thoughts and prayers coming.

The Guest Blogger Is In

Hello everyone. It's Beth's brother Mike. I'll be guest blogging while Beth is recovering from surgery and wanted to take a few minutes to introduce myself and let you know what to expect from me in the coming days.

First off, because she's a loving sister she talked me up quite a bit. I had a hard time getting my head through the door for a while and then it dawned on me that you'd all be expecting greatness. Contrary to what she'd have you believe, I don't walk on water or anything like that. However, I do plan on doing my best to keep you all updated on the surgery and her condition afterward. I'll be there at the hospital tomorrow (the 29th) and will post an update as soon as I know anything.

Second, I'd like to thank you all for the heartfelt prayers, positive thoughts, and encouragement you've given Beth. It gives me and my family comfort knowing so many wonderful people are pulling for her.

Finally, I'd like to say that through all of this my sister has inspired me in many ways. Some things are simple, like appreciating the small things in life. Others are a little more daunting, like a marathon. I'm still working on that one. I've changed the way I eat and the way I exercise. I've learned to take charge of my life and my body, and to envision perfect health. Ironically, Beth and I have a similar vision, which is why the picture below is hanging on my fridge.

Saying Good Night to the Kids Was Hard

Steve and I procrastinated telling the kids about the surgery until after baths tonight. I simply didn't want to ruin their day and I wasn't prepared for the reaction I got when we told them. I thought they would listen, not really understanding what was about to happen, ask a few questions and then go on with business as usual. We collected them in our room and sat them on the bed. Steve began by telling them I would be seeing the doctor in the morning. Their little faces got very serious. They knew... I don't even remember what Steve said to them after that because I could see on their faces that they knew what was happening. Ryan looked at me, started to cry, and they all rushed to my side. They cried and I cried. We all cried for a bit.

I reassured them that this was a good thing and that the doctor was going to make me healthy. Ryan asked over and over if I was going to the doctor or going to the hospital. I tried every way I could think to explain to them that I would be at the hospital for a few days but that it wasn't going to be as long as last time. They kept saying they didn't want me to go and that they were going to miss me so much.

After that the kids had dessert and we sat together watching tv and talking. Then it was bed time. We said our prayers and I read stories. Ryan and Kylie couldn't keep their eyes open. But Jane stayed awake as long as she could. She told me to tell the doctor when I got there tomorrow morning that I couldn't stay because my kids wanted me to be home. I told her I would tell the doctor that. Then she asked me what I would do if he said no. I asked her what I should do. She told me to slap him in the butt. We both laughed.

Church and My Affirmation Picture

I went to church with Juli on Sunday. I went with her because I haven't found a church near my house that suits me so I headed south. And since Juli speaks so highly of her minister, I figured I had nothing to lose if I just went to hear what she had to say. Luckily, the message during that service was loud and clear and I felt as though the "sermon" was spoken specifically for me. I won't go into specifics but after the service, I was able to speak privately with the minister regarding the upcoming surgery on Wednesday. Rev. Heather instructed me to find a picture of myself from before I was diagnosed when I knew I was perfectly healthy. Sadly, I couldn't find a picture of when I knew I was perfectly healthy. I really thought long and hard about a time when I felt absolutely perfectly healthy and I couldn't recall a time... So I did the next best thing. I cut out a picture of Dara Torres from a "Got Milk?" ad in this month's Shape Magazine and I glued my face on her body. Then underneath, I wrote the affirmation that Rev. Heather created specifically for me, "Perfect health is natural and is now mine always and in all ways."

Although the picture looks a little hokey with MY face on THAT body, my idea of the picture of perfect health is represented by Dara Torres, the 40-something Olympic swimmer. AND, I realized that I really really want those abs!!! So since I am having my third abdominal surgery in 6 months, I thought I would let the universe sort out how I'll have those abs one day.

Getting Ready

I had my pre-op appointment today with Dr. Paz. My parents went to the appointment in Pasadena with Steve and me and we warned them beforehand about Dr. Paz' arrogant and supercilious bedside manner. We arrived 15 minutes early and I knew we'd be sitting around for a while waiting for the doctor. And we did. We waited and waited. But that prompted a funny conversation between the four of us about waiting for doctors who are always running late. And it dawned on me after we had that conversation that as long as you're waiting with good people and there are interesting conversations happening, well then it's not really that much of a waste of time. So in that respect, Dr. Paz gave me a huge gift by making me wait.

Finally the nurse called me in for my appointment and my parents started walking to the examination room with us. The nurse, who was a little bitchy, told us that the examination rooms were small and they only allowed one other person in with the patient. So my parents sat back down in the waiting room and then I was a bit irritated. We entered the room and the bitchy nurse was right...the rooms were pretty small. After the nurse took my vitals and left the room, I changed into the little open-in-the-front gown and then waited again. FINALLY the doctor came in and of course I asked him right away if my parents could come in. He said that we could all meet in the conference room after the examination. The examination, it turned out, was just Dr. Paz listening to my heart and lungs with his stethoscope.

I got dressed and we all went to the conference room. This was the first time my parents met Dr. Paz and we all commented later that he was not very arrogant or condescending. In fact, he seemed a little humble this time. Hmmm... I was a little skeptical. Dr. Paz began his presentation of what to expect from the surgery with statistics. I really hate the statistics and I truly don't want to know them. He said that with the surgery, there is a 70% chance of having the cancer return at some point. That means I have a 30% chance of being cured. I'm ok with that because in order to have statistics like that, somebody has to be in the 30%. I am in the 30%. But it was very confusing because he said that most patients that have metastatic colon cancer in the retroperitoneal lymph nodes almost never have surgery because their situations are not good. I, however, am the exception. He said that there are so few patients who have ever had a situation like mine that they really don't have any information to say unequivocally what my outcome will be with the surgery AND the chemo wash. Interesting...

I've gotten to the point where I listen but I don't ever believe the doctors are talking about me so I think I only half listen. Anyway, I listened as much as I could take in but then I wanted to get out of there and try the vegan thai restaurant. So I thanked the doctor for his time and told him I'd see him on July 29th. Then we went to the vegan thai restaurant, ordered take out so we could eat at home with Mike and Keira, and sat in bad traffic on the way home. We got home, had a great meal with great company, and laughed and had a wonderful time.

I have recruited my brother, Michael, to substitute author the blog for me while I am recovering from surgery. We are all so lucky he agreed to do it because he's probably the smartest and funniest guy I know. You will all enjoy reading whatever he writes, I am certain. He's an 8th grade English teacher, a good dude, and can really write his ass off. I'm so excited for us. In the meantime I will be getting ready for July 29th and blogging as much as I can until then.

First Pre-op Appointment

I had my first pre-op appointment at City of Hope yesterday. It was just a physical with an EKG, chest x-ray, and blood draw. The surgery floor of the hospital is very nice and we were able to talk to the nurse regarding expectations. It sounds like after the surgery, I will go to the ICU for a few days and then have a private room afterward. I don't think the kids will be able to visit me in the ICU, which will be hard, but they will likely be able to visit when I am moved to a regular room. I took a few pictures:

This is the Helford Research Building where they do the surgeries.

Here I am waiting for my EKG

EKG results

Just messing around and waiting.

I have another appointment today with Dr. Paz. I am taking Steve, my mom and dad with me and then we are going to a vegan thai restaurant in Pasadena. I am so excited about the restaurant. And Uncle Mike and Aunt Keira are watching the kids for us.

Finally Finding Balance

My new plant-based diet has done wonders for me. I have found that I have more energy and therefore, I started exercising again. Because of the increased energy, I've been getting on the treadmill for 45 minute workouts, which surprisingly, seem easy and then I do a few laps in the pool, which is surprisingly hard. And after brainstorming a little with my sister, I am finding that meditation comes easier to me lately. All in all, I am feeling more balanced and centered than I ever have. I know the surgery is a little over a week away, but I am finding a strange calmness about it. I am hoping to have that calm reassurance right up to the big day.

Last week I met with Michael and Keira (my brother and sister-in-law) at Hoag Hospital where Michael underwent his colonoscopy. All of my doctors recommended that he and my sister have the procedure in case there were any genetic factors putting them at increased risk of colon cancer. By the way, I received prior approval from Keira to post this information. When I arrived, Michael was in recovery emerging from the drug induced fog. He was groggy and we both listened as Keira relayed information she received from the doctor regarding the results of his test. Mike had two polyps removed but thankfully he had no obvious cancer. He would have to wait a few days for the biopsy results which would determine if either of the polyps were pre-cancerous. Anxiously awaiting the final pathology results, I called Mike a few days later. His polyps were benign and he will be on the five-year plan so his next colonoscopy will be in five years. Hallelujah!!! I feel so redeemed because this journey I am on has prevented one potential tragedy. I am so relieved.

In the meantime, I am focusing on these good days. And these are very good days...

Surgery Scheduled for July 29th

I finally heard back from Dr. Paz' office who called to say the surgery is scheduled for July 29th. I must say that I am very emotional about the whole thing. While I am so grateful that I have even found a surgeon who is willing to perform this surgery, I am terribly apprehensive. When I start to lose confidence in the process, I reassure myself that there is a plan for me and it's a plan perfectly designed with more wisdom than I will ever have. It's still scary and uncertain, though, and I find myself counting down the days. I so don't want to do that. But I know this is very valuable time with my family. I have so many things I want to do with the kids even if it's just reading their bedtime stories or watching them swim in the pool. I've been so lucky the last two days to watch Kylie learn to ride her bike without the training wheels. It really only took her one day and now she's a pro! Jane's almost there and Ryan won't even go near a bike without training wheels.

I am loving my new plant based diet. It's so much easier than I ever thought it would be and I feel great. I am learning that I really have to look at ingredient labels because some foods I would've never suspected have dairy or eggs in them. Steve was giving me the business for putting too much Splenda in my iced tea so I promised him I would use the Stevia that my mom brought over. But when I read the ingredient label, I found the only ingredient to be lactose, aka MILK!!! Who knew?! Also, I'm a little curious, and maybe Kelly can answer this but what does it mean for a vegan if the label says that the food was made on shared equipment with eggs, milk, etc.? Does that mean a vegan shouldn't eat it? Very confusing...

Anyway, I have some pictures from July 4th when I took the kids to San Clemente and hung out with the family but I've been lazy and they're still in the camera. Steve couldn't go but I took Lauren and Chloe. We walked to the beach and then watched fireworks later. It was so nice. Me-Mom, Lauren, and Chloe left on Monday and we are all missing them so much. Luckily, Me-Mom will be back in a few weeks to help out with the kids while I am having my surgery.

My New Label

I am pleasantly surprised by how easy the vegan diet is. I anticipated a very hard transition for some reason. I thought I would be desperate by now for a big hunk of Dubliner cheese, but I'm not having any cravings. Perhaps I am in some sort of honeymoon phase and it just hasn't hit me yet that I won't be eating anymore thin crust cheese pizza. But last night I had a dream that I was eating out and I forgot I wasn't eating meat so I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich. I took a bite and the chicken was raw. YUCK!!!! It was so traumatic I can still see it.

Anyway, I'm still drinking coffee but my dear sister suggested almond milk and it turns out that works great! So I still get my caffeine fix in the morning. Then for lunch I've been eating vegan soy hamburger patties which I love. They are so good although I love BBQ sauce on them but I gave that up too because of the high fructose corn syrup. So I've been eating them on a whole wheat bun with mustard and pickles. Avocado seems to be a good substitute for the cheese and for dinner I eat a great big salad with brown rice and lots of beans like I always have. So things really aren't any different. I don't consider myself vegan because I still wear leather shoes and I'm no animal lover for sure. I will label myself a strict vegetarian for health reasons.

Side note: I owe apologies to Wendy and Kelly who I thought were totally nuts because they were vegans. When Grandma died and we all met up in PA for the funeral, we all ate dinner at some restaurant and Wendy and Kelly ordered salad and baked potatoes with no butter or sour cream. That's all they got to eat and I remember thinking they were a little crazy and that I would never be able to eat like that. But I totally get it now and I wish I would've known better back then. Maybe I wouldn't be in this predicament I'm in now. You girls really kick a$$!!!

Goin' Vegan...

Well, I'm going vegan. My friend Tami will be so proud of me if she reads this. I was a partial vegetarian before but now I'm giving the vegan thing a go. I'm doing this for several reasons and I've been thinking about doing it for quite a while now. But the boost I needed was that my sister-in-law, Keira, said she was going to try it so we're doing it together. She suggested the book, "Breaking the Food Seduction" by Neal Barnard, M.D., which I bought on Amazon and it came in the mail yesterday. It's easy reading and it makes sense so I can't seem to put the book down.

This is the kids' last week of summer camp so Steve and I decided to have breakfast out and went to the Potholder Cafe. And since today is my first official day of being a vegan, I ordered the "Treehugger Sandwich." But I'm guessing I already messed up because I'm not sure of the ingredients in the whole wheat bread. It may have had milk in it. So I guess that's my first lesson: I should stay away from the stuff with questionable ingredients. But the rest of the sandwich was very good. It had sprouts, spinach, avocado and red onion. Then I added mustard.

I think the hard part will be giving up cheese and other dairy products. I love coffee in the morning but I always add half-n-half. I am going to try a lot of recipes with tofu and on the list is one I found for tofu cacciatore. Should be interesting. Anyway if there are any vegans out there reading this and you have any good advice or recipe suggestions, PLEASE feel free to comment. I invite you all to dish...

Disneyland!!!

We went to Disneyland yesterday! It was great. The weather was perfect and the park was crowded but people were relatively well behaved so it was quite bearable. The lines for the rides moved along nicely and the kids waited patiently. What a difference a year and a half makes. The last time we went to Disneyland the kids were still wearing diapers and they were too young to stand in line without us having to pick them up.

We were lucky enough to have Granny and Pap Pap, Me-Mom, Lauren, and Lauren's friend Chloe with us. I felt so grateful the entire day and there were so many moments when I just let it all sink in. So many times I stood back and took mental pictures of the kids, Steve, and the grandparents and how happy we all were.

The two blue-eyed devils

Me-Mom was brave enough to ride the Teacups!

Janie has been wanting a Goofy hat for 2 years now!

Lauren & Chloe with Mickey

Lauren had her face painted

BIG Milestone Yesterday!

We had a very big and exciting day yesterday. We celebrated the kids' 5th birthday with a big party and all of their friends from the neighborhood and school came. This was the first birthday party with people other than family that we've had for them and they were beside themselves with anticipation leading up to the big day. I was so happy to be able to give my kids the memories of an exciting 5th birthday party. Pap Pap was the official photographer and Uncle Mike was the videographer. The big attraction was a jumper and then we decorated our own party hats and had a water balloon fight. For lunch we ate pizza and salad and the birthday cake for dessert had chocolate mousse filling and sweet icing (not the whip cream stuff) on top. Special guests included Mrs. Janet and Ms. Alison, our wonderful teachers from school. What a fantastic and memorable day...

I had an appointment yesterday with one of the doctors who will be involved in my upcoming surgery. The appointment was at the City of Hope in Duarte and I had never been there before. I think my expectations of the actual facility were too high. Steve and I discussed it afterward and we both expected something else, something better for lack of a better word. I guess whenever I thought of the City of Hope I expected the Disneyland of all hospitals, a magical place where dreams really do come true. That sounds cheesy, I know, but that's the best way to describe what was in my head about this place that I'd heard so many great things about.

We arrived at 1:30 pm for a 2 pm appointment. But as it turned out, they wanted us to be there at 2 pm for a 3 pm appointment because there was a lot of "paperwork" to complete. I hate that. I hate wasting time, especially now. I guess most people really take a long time to complete medical forms but for some reason, I have always been very fast at it. So we sat waiting for quite a long time. I guess I was a bit irritated about the time wasted so I may have been a little hard to please. I was also irritated because while I was there, I found out about Michael Jackson while watching tv in the waiting room and it bothered me that his death upstaged the death of Farrah Fawcett, who deserved a dignified media response after her valiant battle. Anyway, the facility seemed not to be running as efficiently as I would have believed City of Hope would operate. I mean, after all, they are dealing with people who don't want to be wasting what precious time they have left sitting around waiting for appointments.

By the time we finally saw the doctor's assistant, who came in to go over my history, it was already 4 pm. I was not happy and I kept telling Steve I just wanted to go home. I realized later why that place affected me so much and I'll go into that later. But the "nurse practitioner" was very kind and relatively no-nonsense in getting my history. She seemed to understand everything without any explanations so for that I was grateful. Finally, at about 4:20 we saw the doctor, Dr. Morgan. He was such a funny looking guy, tall with a big belly and the craziest hair I've ever seen on a doctor. It was gray and really thick and messy like he hadn't had a decent haircut in a while. It was bedhead to be exact.

I liked Dr. Morgan. He was smart and articulate and took his time explaining things. He was very thorough. He finally shed some light on the reason Dr. Paz kept saying that the cancer had to be somewhere else. Dr. Morgan explained that research has shown that in patients who have my type of metastatic tumors in their abdominal area, the likelihood that cancer will grow on the peritoneum is very high. The peritoneum is a thin membrane-type sac surrounding the organs in the abdomen. And even when the cancer is not seen on the peritoneum, there is likely microscopic cancer that will eventually become a full blown tumor later on. For that reason, Dr. Morgan's role in my surgery is to administer a "chemo wash" of the abdomen while I am under anasthesia. During the surgery they will insert two tubes into my abdomen, fill my abdomen with chemo (likely oxalyplatin), let it slosh around for an hour and a half and then drain it.

I watched Dr. Morgan as he spoke and I listened hard so I would remember as much as I could. He said things like, "In the past, your cancer was considered incurable. But we just don't know anymore. There's been a lot of research." He also told me that the type of treatment I am getting is just in it's infancy. But I have a lot going for me: I am young, in great health otherwise, I've responded well to treatment, and I have very little cancer that they can tell. As I listened, I kept thinking, I can't believe he's talking about me! It seemed so surreal. Maybe I really am in denial but when he said the word INCURABLE, I couldn't accept that he was talking about me.

The surgery, it turns out, is going to be probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life...way harder than having triplets or anything I've done in my life up to now. The surgery itself will take at least 6 hours, maybe longer as it's very involved. Then the chemo wash will be 35 times stronger and more concentrated than what I normally get during an infusion. Steve likened the whole thing to, "a good, old-fashioned ass kicking." Yep, it's gonna hurt. Now I'm scared, terrified in fact. I might have been better off not knowing the particulars.

I realized later why I was a little unnerved by being at City of Hope. As we navigated the building where I had my appointment, I couldn't help but notice the amount of patients at the facility. There were a lot and I could tell they were patients because, for one thing, all patients had to wear hospital bracelets. And for another, a lot of people were bald or wearing scarves. And many of them were very sick, I could tell just by looking at them. And I kept thinking, I am not one of these people. This is not me, I am not one of them. I wanted to get out of there, fast.

When I got home, I went through my mail and there was a thinking-of-you card from my Aunt Kathy. Inside it she included a picture that she found of a surgeon performing an operation with Jesus standing opposite him over the patient. One of Jesus' hands was on the patient and the other on the hand of the surgeon. The caption read, "With you always." It was exactly what I needed at that moment.

Sorry I've Been Gone

I didn't realize it's been over a month and a half since I updated the blog until I logged on and saw the date of the last entry. I hope you can all understand but it's been a really rough road and there are so many times lately where I feel myself starting to break. Here's whats happened in the last month and a half:

After the last entry I did chemo number four. It really never gets any easier and I am really beginning to understand the dreaded "cumulative effect." I take the nausea medication as prescribed but it has it's side effects that are painful and often times worse than a good old-fashioned trip to the toilet to upchuck (gross...sorry). Two weeks after chemo #4 I had a PET scan to determine if the chemo was even working. If you recall, the doctors couldn't tell from blood tests what exactly was going on with the cancer because it didn't produce some certain protein. That's possibly why I went undiagnosed for so long. Anyway, I had the PET and we waited three days to see Dr. McNamara for the results.

I went to my appointment for the PET results. Steve and I, making small talk and listening to Mark and Brian, drove up to Pasadena for the appointment. I found out later that Steve was just as nervous and anxious as I was about getting the results. It seemed to take forever just to be called into the examination room. But finally Dr. McNamara walked in. I had wondered how he would present the news to me. Would he sit down and look through my chart and start with, "Well, we got the results..."? I pondered whether or not I would be able to tell if it was good or bad news from the look on his face when he walked in. Finally, the door opened. It was Dr. Mac (that's what his staff calls him). He walked right in, put his hand on my shoulder, and announced, "Great news!" And then he gave me a hug. What a moment! I felt like crying. I was elated, relieved, grateful. He said the chemo was working better than he could've ever hoped. The retroperitoneal lymph nodes had shrunk 75 - 80% and the cellular activity level had dropped to normal range, the best possible news. The next step was a surgical consulatation with Dr. Paz, the surgical virtuoso.

I managed to escape chemo #5 that day and waited for my appointment with Dr. Paz which was the Monday following the Thursday that I met with Dr. Mac. I spent the weekend feeling like this whole fiasco was all but over. I wasn't prepared for the news to come. Steve and I, feeling confident, went to meet with Dr. Paz. He was older than I expected and a little arrogant, not what I expected from the City of Hope. He started by asking me how this whole situation presented itself. I gave him the history. Then he hit us with his professional assessment/opinon. He said that based on the location of the mass, I was considered stage IV. And because of that, they were fairly certain that the cancer was in other places, although there was no evidence to suggest that. He said I could rest assured that the cancer had already made it's way to my liver and lungs at the very least, but it just couldn't find a place to grow there. He said that when Dr. Mac called him about performing surgery he said absolutely not. He thought it was a waste of time since the cancer had to be other places. Dr. Mac wouldn't let him off so easy and since Dr. Mac was so persuasive, he decided to meet with me just to see... What did that mean? I didn't get it. I felt like he was writing me off. We left the appointment devastated, just devastated.

I got a call two days later from Dr. Paz' nurse saying Dr. Paz ordered a CT scan with contrast. I hadn't had that since being in the hospital. Apparently it gives them a much better look at the organs and the blood flow in and out of a tumor. I was surprised since he said he probably would not do the surgery. I had the scan and went to see Dr. Mac on June 9th for a regular appointment and then chemo. Dr. Mac got the results of the CT and said nothing had changed. It didn't show anything new. He also said Dr. Paz was going to do the surgery.

Chemo #5 was the hardest yet. Enough said about that. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Seriously, Steve knows to tell people that I can't talk about it.

I went to work the other day to get a few things from my locker and ran into Capt. Green. Even though I don't have much contact with him, he always seems to say something that resonates with me and somehow keeps me going. When I was in the hospital, I got an email from him telling me to stay strong and that it was 90% mental. I think about that all the time. And when I ran into him the other day he told me that the reasons for this are not clear to me now but they will all be revealed eventually. He didn't say it exactly like that but that's what I took away from what he did say. I told him I just want my life back; I just want to come back to work. He understood.

I'm a Little Crazy Today

I feel so manic today. I'm sitting at the computer and Steve is asleep and I'm listening to the kids getting chips out of the pantry at 9:45 in the morning. I know I should be monitoring them better but I'm trying to decide what to do today. And I have about 20 ideas of what I want to do, including buying tile to tile my coffee table, go shopping for a birthday gift for the neighbor, updating the blog, drafting a letter that I've been meaning to write, etc... There's so much to do and so little time and I am just overwhelming myself with the possibilities. And by so little time I mean before I have to do chemo #4 on Tuesday. After that I will be in bed for a week, barely able to lift my head and I feel like I have to fit in a week's worth of errands and stuff I want to do.

I probably should go outside and pull weeds to clear my head. But these few days before chemo create absolute chaos in my mind and all I can do is think. It's almost impossible to quiet my mind. As I've been sitting here at the computer I had a memory of being in the hospital and Dr. Dave came to talk to me after the colon cancer diagnosis. I will never forget what he told me, "If you want to eat an ice cream you should eat an ice cream. And when you go home you should get your affairs in order." He told me to get my affairs in order!!! What the F@$*???!!! I think about that a lot because I am determined NOT to get my affairs in order. I am only 38 years old for goodness sake. And so when I am feeling manic and I have a million ideas about what to do today, getting my affairs in order is never one of them.

Trying Hard to Stay Strong

Hey everybody... Sorry I've been away for awhile. Recovering from the last infusion was so hard I almost can't find the words to describe how hard it was. I now understand how this process really gets to people, dashes their hopes for recovery and sends them into an abyss of pain and fear. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done.

The infusion itself was painful. My arm hurt so bad that the nurse urged me to consider a PICC line. I am actually considering it. I guess the poison really irritates the veins and muscles and it hurts like hell. And I actually got sick a couple of times during the infusion which has never happened before. So the anti-nausea meds they put in my IV were either not working or my brain overrode them and told my body to be nauseated anyway, I don't know. But after the infusion I spent a long week in bed feeling terribly nauseated and so fatigued I had a hard time walking to the bathroom. I found myself frequently asking Steve, "Is this my bad day? When will I get better?" Also, this time I noticed that all my muscles, especially my leg muscles were cramping really bad. The neuropathy is still bad even during this good week. The doctor said that neuropathy is permanent. I don't even know what to think about that. But I haven't had anything cold to drink in a very long time.

However, this is my good week. I feel myself getting stronger everyday...and by stronger I mean mentally stronger. Even just a week ago I was having fantasies about things I could say to the doctor so that I wouldn't have to do anymore chemo. I just didn't have the strength to even consider doing another round. But this week things are different. I am happy to be alive and I find myself appreciating everything and everyone so much more. Although I still can't even think about going for round 4, I am in a better place in my head. I hear stories on the news where someone, or a lot of people, have it a lot worse than me and I think to myself, I guess I can do it again. I'm pretty sure that's because you are all praying for me and your prayers are working.

I started reading the new true crime novel, "Columbine" by Dave Cullen. Other than the fact that I find it truly fascinating and therefore, it's a distraction from my negative thoughts, I realize that those poor parents who had children involved in that massacre really had, and still have, it bad. There's a quote from Ernest Hemingway at the beginning of the book:

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.

And to that I say touche.

Having Anxiety Already

It's Friday night which means it's almost Saturday and if it's Saturday then the weekend is almost over...

What's wrong with me?!?!?! I have so much anxiety about Monday. On Monday I do chemo #3. I hate chemotherapy. When I feel like this I almost don't know what to do. Do I eat while I can? If I choose to eat, well I just want to eat a bag of Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies. And that's not good for me. But at the same time, thinking about Monday creates the dreaded "anticipatory nausea" so maybe I just want to barf into a bag of Milanos. I DON'T KNOW!!!

I wonder when this gets better. Today I had to take Janie to the doctor for an ear infection. Nurse Carol asked why I wasn't at the kids' Kindergarten physcials and I told her. I was in bed from chemo #2. She was shocked and saddened and offered her support. Her husband, she said, was diagnosed with stage IV Lymphoma when he was 38. It's been about 10 years and he's fine now. We didn't see our normal pediatrician because she's always booked but after we left the office, Carol told Dr. G (our pediatrician) about my situation. Dr. G called me at home to offer her support. She is a breast cancer survivor. She was diagnosed a year ago and she endured 8 rounds of chemotherapy. EIGHT ROUNDS!!!! She's still growing her hair back because last time I saw her (about a month ago) she was still wearing her wig.

I don't want to ruin my good days with thoughts of the bad days ahead but it's almost unavoidable. I might as well have an hourglass in front of me at all times counting down the minutes until Monday. I got my hair trimmed yesterday and my hairdresser wanted to know how I've been doing with the chemo. I told her the smell of my shampoo and conditioner nauseates me terribly during the bad week so she helped me find something less fragrant.

I should've titled this post, "Poor Me!" OK, enough complaining. Like I tell the kids, deep breath...

Having a Great Week

Hey everyone! Well, I'm having a great week. And I don't mean that sarcastically. I am actually having a really good week. Considering the last chemo cycle was harder than the first, I seemed to have bounced back really well. I wouldn't dare tell my hubby this, but I even ran on the treadmill a little bit on Sunday. If Steve finds out, he'll start making me do housework again so I'm keeping it on the down low for now. Even though the doctor said that the chemo regimen itself is like a workout, I find that running gives me the mental and emotional edge I need to feel like I am strong...like I can pull myself through all of this. I've spent the last two beautiful, 80 degree days pulling weeds, which I find strangely therapeutic. I love the time to myself because, of course, no one (and by no one I mean none of the kids) wants to help pull weeds. So there are no distractions and I get lost in my thoughts.

Yesterday I took a break from the gardening to watch Oprah. Her guests and audience members were all mothers who were essentially complaining about how hard motherhood is. While I appreciated the humor in it (one lady was so overwhelmed she went 3 weeks without bathing her kids!), I couldn't help but feel like these women were all a bunch of whiners. I hate to get on my pedastal but c'mon! Even in my most overwhelming days when I had three infants and no diapers in the house, I still managed to shower, load them all up in the car, and load, assemble and push gigantic stroller through Target with at least one crying baby. Thank God they never all cried at one time... But I did it because I had to. I had no choice because I couldn't justify taping a maxi pad and a bunch of napkins on their little butts like one of the women on Oprah confessed. Whoa!

My kids will be five in June. And I thank God everyday for those little people. They prepared me for this journey I am on. Just like finding strength through a hard workout on the treadmill, I have found strength and purpose in being a mom. I like the fact that their little four year-old minds can stump me when they ask me what the Easter Bunny looks like. By the way, exactly what does the Easter Bunny look like and where does he live???? Any ideas? I love you guys and thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. They are working.

Sorry It's Been a While

Hi everyone. Sorry it's been so long since the last post. After the first week of the first round of chemo, I started feeling better and wanted to take advantage of my good days. So I didn't spend much time on the computer. Nothing noteworthy happened anyway. When I started feeling better I got outside and did some gardening (by that I mean pulling weeds) and just enjoyed being out of bed.

I did my second round of chemo last monday (March 23) and it was a real bitch. I have nothing good to say about it. The new and more powerful anti-nausea medication (Emend) worked ok. I still had a lot of nausea but I managed to get through it without much "barfy" as the kids say. No matter how much I seemed to tell myself it would get better, I still found myself feeling pretty depressed about the whole thing. It's hard to explain what the physical effects of chemo are but basically it feels like my whole entire body hurts, and then of course there's the nausea. This time the neuropathy was much worse and I had to wear the gloves a lot. I think one of the worst things is having to drink warm drinks. Trying to swallow three big pills with warm water when the nausea is bad is just about one of the worst things ever. It's almost impossible so I have to go into a place in my mind where I can make it happen without throwing up. Just thinking of it is nauseating. The nurse calls that anticipatory nausea... Well DUH!!!! Of course! I just call it nausea...

Anyway, I am finally feeling much better today. I am sitting at the table for meals and I can hang out with the family. I had a little comical reprieve from the madness when Steve came home from the kids' kindergarten physical appointment on Thursday and told me how it went. Previously, the nurse led us to believe it was just a "paperwork" appointment so Steve took the kids by himself, which normally would never happen. Steve and I always both attend doctor's appointments for the kids when all three go because it is so hard for one parent to deal with the whole thing, especially when there are immunizations involved. When Steve returned home and I asked him how it went, he just looked at me with raised eyebrows. I knew that couldn't be good. Then he launched into how all three kids had to pee in a cup, have hearing tests, two shots (immunizations), and each had to have their finger pricked TWICE (lead test and sugar test)! Each child watched in horror as the others got their shots and finger pricks. And they screamed the whole time. Finally when it was Jane's turn, she kicked the examination table and then the nurse... By the end of the two-hour appointment, they were starving and they were screaming SO LOUD from all the shots and finger pricks that everyone just stared at the four of them when they left the examination room. The patient in the room next door even cracked open the door to see what those monsters could possibly look like. Steve, of course, earned his Father-of-the-Year award.

Love to you all. I promise to try to post more regularly.

Another Difficult Day

For some reason yesterday I thought I would wake up today and feel miraculously better. And the nausea was fairly under control, but I had such extreme fatigue that I could barely lift my head. The kids had their first swimming lessons today and I really wanted to go watch but I couldn't drag myself out of bed. It was so hard not to be there for such an important day. So while the family was gone, I began daydreaming about all of the things I want to do when I am well. First of all, I can't wait to drink an ice cold glass of milk. I know that's not too far down the road but the neuropathy is definitely a side effect that will last at least a few more days. And I can't wait to drive my car again. Recently before I got sick, I started parking in the parking spots farthest away from the door of whatever store I was at. When we were kids my mom always used to say, "We're lucky we're healthy. We can walk." Interestingly, I began doing that recently and I fully intend to do that again when I am back in action.

While my mind was perusing the possibilities, I decided I would like to try to run a marathon when I am healthy again. I've been talking about it for years and now. And it was always one of the things on my to do list but I always found an excuse to put it off. Maybe because I know it's not going to be the easiest thing to do. But dream big, right? Once my body is cancer free what a better way to celebrate than run a marathon. Maybe the chemo is starting to affect my brain and this is all just crazy talk, I don't know. But what have YOU been putting off????

I hope none of you ever has to do what I am doing. But if you were in my shoes right now, what would be on your to do list and is it important enough to work on it today? Because I would give anything to be where you are right now, healthy and capable of accomplishing my "to do's."

Thank God for All of You

Yesterday was my toughest day yet. I had a lot of problems with nausea and throwing up and didn't realize it was going to be that bad until it was too late to call the doctor. So I spent the entire day in bed. I wasn't even able to get to the computer to check the blog at all. But thankfully, today has been better. With some coaxing from my mom and Steve, I called the nurse first thing this morning and told her about yesterday. "Oh my God!" was her response so I realized I actually had been suffering needlessly. Dr. McNamara called back within an hour and called in a stronger prescription for the nausea. And luckily the new prescription worked. I have eaten a little bit today and I am gaining some strength back.

I read the responses from the last blog entry and I felt nothing but gratitude. I am so grateful that you are all praying for me and pulling for me. I would never admit this to Steve, but there have been a few times when I wondered if this was all worth it. But of course that is when I have been at my absolute weakest. And I can't tell you what it means to read the words of encouragement from you guys. Somehow, I don't feel quite so alone. Somehow, I feel a peace come over me and I know I can do this, if nothing else than for this moment.

Aunt Dene, you are an amazing person and you always know exactly what to say. The same goes for everyone who has posted a comment on any of the blog entries. I thank God everyday for all of you. For anyone who has commented on the blog, or sent me a personal email, or anyone who takes a moment during the day to say a prayer for me, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and I thank you.

I am not going to lie, chemotherapy sucks. And at the moment I am terrified that I have at least 3 - 5 more cycles to do. How can any one human being endure that?! But I know with the encouragement of all of you, I will somehow find a way. My love to you all.

This Will Be a Short One

Hey everyone. This will be a short update as I don't feel well. Steve and I saw Dr. McNamara before the infusion and all was well. No new info and he seemed pleased that I am recovering well from surgery. Then at 8:30 I went to the infusion room for the chemotherapy. The nurse was really cool and went over side effects again. It was good because we found out that I shouldn't be eating any raw fruits or vegetables since they have a tendency to carry bacteria which will be hard to fight when my white blood cells are low. I love my salads so that news was a bummer.

I felt good going in so the first hour or so of my Oxaliplatin infusion was fine but after that my arm started to hurt a lot. It felt like when your foot falls asleep and you feel pins and needles only this was a little more painful. I finished the infusion at 11:45 and we stopped for a bean burrito on the way home. Steve ran into a liquor store to buy me some room temperature water and I ran into my old partner Angel Guerra. It was great to see him and he said, "Geez, Beth, can't you do anything like a normal person?! You're always doing things the hard way!" I had to laugh at that since he was the one who was shot multiple times during the shooting we were in 7 years ago (and he recovered and is doing fine).

When I got home I went straight to bed. I felt dizzy and my arm hurt. I took a nap and when I woke up, Mom and Dad had left (because I will need them back here when Steve goes to work on Saturday) and I had a splitting headache. In general I feel like total crap. I feel nauseated and I've been crying a lot since I got home. I don't know if it's because I am emotional or I feel sick or both.

This isn't my most positive post, I know. And it turned out to be a little longer than the title suggests. If anyone has any good insight or suggestions, I would love to hear it. Thank you, Susan and Michelle for reading the blog. You girls are awesome! Aunt Dene, I love you to the moon. And Cheryl, I got your voicemail but I feel too crappy to call back. But thank you so much for thinking of me today. Love you guys.

Having a Little Anxiety

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Chemotherapy begins and the fear of the unknown has provoked a little anxiety. While I don't believe that the first day will create ALL of the dreaded side effects, I feel a certain uneasiness about the whole thing. I read all of the literature the nurses gave me regarding the medications I will be taking. The IV medication which will be administered tomorrow morning at the "infusion room" is Eloxatin (Oxaliplatin injection). The troubling side effect with that one is neuropathy. Neuropathy is an increased sensitivity to cold. When I was introduced to the chemotheraphy nurses, they gave me a whole kit that included two sets of gloves, a warm fleece scarf, and a fleece blanket! They cautioned me about drinking any cold drinks for a week and putting my hands in cold water or especially in the refridgerator. They advised that it would feel like my skin was burning off...whoa! So I am not really looking forward to that...

Also prescribed is a pill, Xeloda, which I will take twice a day (3 pills per dose). The side effects there are nausea and diarrhea. That sucks. God knows this whole colon cancer thing has been such a pain in the ASS :) (sorry, that was a really bad and obvious pun but I couldn't resist).

Well, I guess I will shower and start my day. I think I am going shopping...

Wish me luck tomorrow and if anyone has any suggestions about anything at all, chemo related or otherwise, I'd love to hear them. Loving you all and wishing you a happy March 1st (already...)!

Hairstyle Before and After

I got my hair cut today. Here are the before and after photos:


Before

















After
















I have one disclaimer about the after photo. I had Steve take this picture later in the afternoon right after I had walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes.

I got my new hair style in the morning and I couldn't wait to pick up the kids from school. I even asked Steve if he thought the kids would recognize me. I was so excited when 11:55 rolled around and we were en route to the school. The anticipation of seeing the amazed looks on their faces was killing me. I even told Steve, "Well now you know Jane will want to get her hair cut as soon as she sees me."

We waited at the classroom door as other parents signed for their kids. Even the other parents were telling me how they liked my haircut. Finally, I made it to the front of the line and the teacher called the kids' names to excuse them. Out the door they came and I just knew the girls and maybe Ryan would give a big, "OHHHH Mommy!" But they walked out of class, looked at me, said, "Hi Mom," and they walked right past me. Not a word was spoken about my new do. We got to the car and as Steve buckled them in I asked, "Do I look any different???" They just looked at me curiously and said simply, "No." Then on to more important things they asked what was for lunch.

As I pondered this whole "haircut experience" and my grand expectations of my kids' reactions, I gained an interesting perspective. How humbling it is to be a parent. And whether you're making lunch or battling cancer, they expect you to be there for them. It's just understood that you will show up and they may not even notice your new haircut. But that's ok because you're there and they love and appreciate you for that.

Well anyway, hopefully the new haircut will ease the pain of thinning from the chemo. That was the point. And I feel a little lighter and that's always good. I love you all.

Feeling Normal Again

I spent Saturday and Sunday nights alone with the kids. Steve went to work and all my help went home because I insisted that we should all be getting our lives back to normal, or at least a new normal. I have to confess I didn't know how I would cope when I was tired and the kids started acting like four year-old kids. But I had to give it a try.

I am three weeks and three days post-op and my strength is back. I am dying to get back on the treadmill. I gained back 8 of the 10 pounds I lost in the hospital which is ok with me because I am eating healthier than I ever have. The incision down the front of my belly is healing well but I had a few issues with the small incision the doctor made to check my liver. Here is a picture:





















Sorry if the picture is too graphic...

I went to see the nutritionist today and I learned some very interesting things. Did you know that pure, natural fresh honey (preferably from a health food store or right from the bee hive) is a natural remedy, like neosporin, for wounds? I did not know that. And wheat germ oil can be used on scars instead of expensive over the counter treatments like Mederma. In fact, Mederma contains various parabens which are not good for us and are contained in our beauty products and cosmetics.

Anyway, at the end of my appointment, the nutritionist said, "You're either doing remarkably well handling your situation or you are really in denial." And then he tried to recite the stages of grief. He really made me wonder how I am actually doing with this situation. I think to some extent I am in denial, although I felt pretty angry recently while watching The Biggest Loser. I felt pissed off and couldn't understand how all those people could let themselves go for so long and they're not battling cancer. Yet I have been so diligent with my health and I have cancer. But in my heart, I know I am not going to die from colon cancer. I just know. And if that's being in denial, then well, I guess that's what it is.

Life is getting back to normal now. I am yelling at Steve and the kids again and they're not listening to me anyway. It's almost like the last month never happened. But it's great...

Thank you for your ongoing prayers. They are working. My love and gratitude to you all.

More Great News

Steve got a call from Dr. McNamara today. It seems that one of the lab tests they did on my cancer was to determine whether or not it had mutated. If the cancer had mutated, then that meant that the cancer would be much more difficult to treat as it would be more resistant to traditional chemotherapies. If it hadn't mutated, there would be more drugs that we could use to fight my cancer. Well, the results are in and the cancer has NOT mutated. Hallelujah!!!

Steve said I should be including pictures again. He's right. I will take more pictures and add them to the blog now that I am feeling better. I have a hair appointment next week and I am considering a short (or shorter) haircut. The chemotherapy nurses said my hair would be thinning and if that is true, a shorter haircut might make it seem less traumatic in some way. So if I decide to go shorter, I will definitely include a before and after.

More Miracles

I had another appointment with Dr. McNamara (oncologist) at City of Hope. I prepared myself for this appointment by expecting the worst. I told Steve that I expected the doctor to tell me things looked really bad from the PET scan. However, I wasn't going to be pessimistic, I just wanted to be prepared. When you've been where I've been over the last month, there is an expectation that nothing goes as expected...therefore, I'm learning to expect the worse in a positive way if that makes any sense at all.

I was so very pleasantly surprised when Dr. McNamara said at the beginning of our appointment that he had met with a team of surgeons and oncologists regarding my case. That he had done any homework on me at all was refreshing and promising. But the real surprise was when Dr. McNamara said, "It's the consensus to start chemotherapy first and then consider surgery down the road." For the first time in the last month I think I breathed a very real sigh of relief. Don't get me wrong, we've had our miracles along the way for which I will always be grateful. But the thought of surgery again was daunting in a way that's hard to explain. And truly I don't think I would've had it in me to have surgery again so soon.

The results of the PET scan were interesting. The only cancer seen on the scan was the fibrous mass which has encapsulated my abdominal lymph nodes. Dr. McNamara said I really don't have much cancer. But the troubling part is that the location of the mass (those particular lymph nodes) usually indicate that there is cancer somewhere else. However, all the evidence suggests the only cancer I have is in that mass. I know this all seems so confusing and honestly I am always left with more questions than I went in with. Basically the important points we got from this appointment were these: 1) The only cancer they saw was the abdominal mass; 2) The cancer I have appears to be moderately aggressive; 3) I am going to begin chemotherapy March 2; 4) Surgery will happen later by a team of surgeons who really know what they're doing. Finally, I met the nurses who will give the chemotherapy treatment and they are very nice and knowledgeable.

I titled this post "More Miracles" because there are things about my illness that no one can explain and they appear to me to be miracles. We asked Dr. McNamara what caused the horrendous pain that put me in the ER in November and again in January. He couldn't explain it; he had no idea what caused that pain. What he really couldn't explain was why it disappeared so quickly and for no apparent reason. More interesting though, is that the pain came back 10 times worse in January. I know in my heart it was a miracle that the unexplained pain brought me the diagnosis. Another thing my family and I are considering a miracle is that I have been living with this cancer but my body fought hard to protect me from it. And because my body fought so hard, the cancer is contained, as far as we know, in this fibrous mass and it is not in the other organs.

We are more hopeful today than we've been in a long time. Today was a good day. Chemo begins March 2 and there's a good chance I won't lose my hair. But even if I go bald, at least I have a husband who can introduce me to all the important cold-weather gear for hair-impaired people.

As always, thanks for reading the blog and keeping my family and me in your prayers. My love and God's miracles to you all.

Still Don't Know Much

I had my doctor appointment with Dr. McNamara at the City of Hope on Wednesday. He seemed very smart and much more knowledgeable about cancer than any of the other doctors we have seen. However, because it was my first visit with him, he is still familiarizing himself with my case. Because of that, we still don't have many answers. Dr. McNamara ordered a PET scan which will show all of the places in my body that I have cancer. I went Thursday for that scan and I see Dr. McNamara again on Tuesday for the results.

I felt frustrated after my appointment with Dr. McNamara because I had hoped that he would tell me I would undergo chemotherapy and then everything would be ok. But instead he said that I would likely endure more surgery because surgery is the "gold standard" for treating cancer. The goal is to eliminate my body of all cancer which truly can only be achieved through surgery. But the surgery I will require will be difficult at best due to the proximity of the mass to important things like the aorta and spinal chord. The surgery itself would have to be performed by a team of "virtuoso" surgeons. Additionally, Dr. McNamara said it was rare that colon cancer would metastasize to the abdominal lymph nodes near the aorta. They likely see that in other types of cancers including testicular cancer and ovarian cancer. So he really doesn't know quite what we are dealing with yet until he sees more test results. That was troubling to me. But ultimately Dr. McNamara said that he would do everything humanly possible to see that I overcome this cancer. That was reassuring.

I find myself in a positive place despite the uncertainty of my situation. Today I scheduled appointments with an acupuncturist and a nutritionist. I am determined to use every available weapon in this battle. And I think part of determining what weapons to use in my arsenal requires me to take a long hard look into my life. I accept that if I can recognize my weaknesses and shortcomings, I am more likely to fix them. For one thing, I know I need to drink more water and that is just the beginning.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I've always loved this time of year but this year is different. It feels much more real and exciting this year than ever before. I am going to take the opportunity to recognize all the gifts I have been given. I am filled with gratitude and love and I wish you all the same. Happy Valentine's Day!!! My love to you all...